Words From The Dark

expectations

I'm not good enough.
I'm. Just. Not. Good. Enough.

The standards that are set for me are too high.

Once, twice, thrice.
I answered your questions right, and you liked me for my knowledge. You thought I was this genius girl who was just quiet.

Once, twice, thrice.
I helped you do something difficult for you and you admired me for my skills. You thought I was good at so many things.

Once, twice, thrice.
I demonstrated the correct techniques and sequences and you praised me for my natural talent.

I feel like I am drowning.

In a depthless sea of your expectations and you don't see me.

There, in front of your eyes, I am pleading for you to see me. To help me. Throw me a float. And you still don't see me.

Just look at me.

Truly, look at me and see me for me and all my insecurities you cause.
See me for something other than your self-set expectations.

But still, I feel I'm aflame in the ever-growing blaze of standards.

Standards that I couldn't even choose myself. Standards you picked for me.

I am smouldering in your flames.

In the hopes and dreams, aspirations and goals I set for myself. To reach the top.

To meet your expectations.

I miss being a kid.

Endless fun
Unconditional love
No expectations.

I would simply look at a butterfly and I would become happy.

Now, I only see a colourful opportunity out of my reach flutter away.

I would be speaking to someone, anyone, and not care about anything else.

Instead, I worry about a million different things at once.

Do I look presentable?
Am I giving the appropriate answers?
What do they think of me?
What are their expectations of me?

All these thoughts chase other thoughts and infinite loops of doubt warp my mind.

I can't help it.

I'm useless.
I'm stupid.
I'm ugly.
I'm awkward.
I'm weird.

I am everything and nothing.
I am what you think of me and not.
I am so many things yet not.

I don't know anymore.

Maybe if I lived up to your standards, I would be more successful.

Maybe if I didn't live up to your standards I would be happier.

Which one to choose...

I'll leave it up to your expectations.