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Shadowed by Moonlight (Updated) | Wera

Start from the beginning

by KirukkanGuild

2 out of 5

The opening hook was okay. I think because you're trying to sell this "perfect" image of Masina, it's not really personable or inviting. It's almost too "perfect." You want to ensure your opening is different from most, and I don't really get that feeling here. Perhaps it could be resolved by adding a bit about her culture or starting with a distinct memory.

Perhaps it could be resolved by adding a bit about her culture or starting with a distinct memory — Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.

8 out of 10 [UPDATED]

In the first chapter, I was confused because after the line about "suitors that wrapped around the island", it goes into first person. It was very jarring because I was under the impression that it was going to be third person for the whole story. Since it's not, I think that it's important to establish who the speaker is in the beginning of the story and that may help fix your opening hook issue.

I thought the pacing was comfortable and the overall plot interesting and unique. I liked the cliffhangers and thought they were appropriately placed.

I liked the cliffhangers and thought they were appropriately placed — Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.

10 out of 10 [ADDED]

Toaolelā: I think he's a very complex character who anyone can relate to. People will siblings will be able to understand what it's like to fall second to that "star" sister or "star" brother. And that's what I think is so compelling about his story. His jealousy is apparent in the chapter 1(a), but we see it fester more as the story goes on, and I think you do this at a great pace and with great detail.

Masina: I know the focus is on Toaolelā, but a part of me wanted to know more about her. Perhaps see things from her perspective, though that's something I want as a reviewer, not as a reader. I think as a reader, we're able to piece together her personality through Toaolelā's eyes, though it would be interesting to see a confrontation between the two of them so he can see there's more to her than being a person who could be better than him. Though I like how she seems to be unaware of her own achievements, it makes her a little naive which I think enhances the story. I think it would be less exciting if she were arrogant and took every moment to show why she's better than Toaolelā.