The Lost Knight (Volume IV) The Lost Prince

Chapter 17: Guilt, Reason, & Compassion

I agree, and he does—by yelling across the restaurant to another table that repeats the order. I hear it yelled again in the next room.

"Well, that explains why this place is so loud. They don't like waiters?"

"Nope. That's why I sat us here, so we're not passing food to other tables all night. This is one of the quieter spots." Jonah looks out the window, and his eyes slant downward.  "Agatha, if you don't mind my asking, who led your Voyage of Self Discovery?

"You did."

He chuckles. "No, I mean, when all the Agatha's appeared. Who was doing most of the talking?  Who was leading the group?"

"Fear showed up first, but I guess Reason was in charge." I feel vulnerable after I answer, as if I've just shared something intensely personal.

Jonah nods. "I can see that.  You're a reasonable person."

I beam under his praise. I don't quite understand what a reasonable person is, but he seems to like it. "Do other people have different leaders?"

"Oh yes. People are led by all kinds of emotions."

"Did you ever do one?  Who led yours?"

"I've done a few. It might be interesting if you went back. I'm sure Reason would still be leading, but I'm curious what would show up for you now that you have confidence."

"Confidence? Um, in case you haven't noticed, I've been hiding in my bed for months."

"Healing."

"Whatever, don't change the subject. Who's led your voyages?"

"May I join you?" Dathid asks.

"Sure," Jonah says as he stands to help Dathid search for an addition to our table. They find one in another room. It takes a while for them to maneuver the little table over the heads of other patrons. After Dathid gets a chair and weaves his way back to us, he shouts his order.

"What did you order?" I ask. Dathid will eat a plant if he's starving, but he'd never voluntarily eat one.

He smiles at me. "Don't worry. It was just something to drink."

I nod at him and turn my attention back to Jonah. "Are you avoiding the question?"

"No," he says to me, and to Dathid he explains where we were in the conversation.

"Well?" I say after he stops talking.

"Compassion."

"That's it?" I say. "I could've guessed that one. So not worth the wait. What about you, Dathid?"

Dathid looks down at his hands. I regret asking. I wish there was a way for me to take it back, but then he raises his head and tries to sound confident when he says, "Guilt." I could've guessed that one, too. 

"Yeah, I get that." No one says anything, so I continue. It feels good to talk about it. "I was led by guilt since I left Detti. It's a terrible way to live. The thing with guilt is, when you try to change, it makes you feel guilty for wanting it to go away and gets stronger. And then you feel even more guilty." 

I'm getting worked up. I level out my tone and finish with, "I felt it change when Carfron took me to Lenox, though."

Dathid's staring at me. I should apologize, but I don't want to talk about it anymore. I have to change the subject, but I can't think of anything. I wish Jonah would say something.

"How did you change it?" Dathid asks, hanging on my every word. 

I'm afraid to say anything. Maybe the way I did it wasn't the right way. I'm definitely going to insult him and his lost loved ones. But he looks so weary I have to say something.

"Umm. Well. You see," I say before I run out of words.

Sadness flashes in his eyes before he masks it and looks away.

"Wait. Okay. Well. It's like this."

His head whips around. I have to tell him, even if it hurts his feelings.

"Guilt is a good emotion. It keeps us from doing bad things and helps us learn from our mistakes." This sounds so dumb I can't believe this is what I came up with. "But when I was with Lenox in the woods, I felt incredibly selfish. Or maybe that's not the right word. But like the elves focus on the life of the person, or whatever. I was beating myself up regularly over his death and Carfron and Trelix and, well...you know."

"By only focusing on the death, I lost sight of the life," I say. "Their lives and mine. No one in the air that day wanted anyone to die. And well, it would be unfair to them if I let myself stop living. I don't think I'm making sense."

I take a breath and try again. "They deserve better than to be used as weapons against myself. The ones I knew brought me great happiness, and those I didn't risked their lives to save me. I can't take that act of love and continually beat myself with it."

When my words end, I want to melt into a puddle and slide under the table. I am raw and vulnerable. That sounded so stupid. I should beat myself up every day for the horrible way I acted and the stupid things I thought.

Dathid nods. "I never thought of it in that way. Thank you for sharing that." He attempts a smile, but his eyes betray him. "My first Voyage was ruled by impulse." He laughs at a funny memory but doesn't share it. "That was crazy. Both the Voyage and my life."