Coldest War (War Series #2)

Chapter 30

#war2wp

Chapter 30

Younger

"You love him, Rinnah," ani Jourdaine habang pinagmamasdan ako nang maibalik ako sa kasalukuyan. 

She's staring at me intently, the busy street of New York in her background. The noise of the city soon makes me realize that I've been too immersed in my memories that even my eyes are starting to water. 

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa lamesa naming dalawa ni Jourdaine, the empty cup of cortado resting on top of it. May humagod na sakit sa dibdib ko—hindi dahil sa kalungkutan pero dahil sa intensidad ng nararamdaman ko. 

"Yes. . ." I mumble. "That's why I did what I did, Jourdaine."

"Aren't you scared?" tanong ni Jourdaine kaya umangat muli ang tingin ko sa kaniya. 

Bumalot ang takot sa dibdib ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Nagtagpo ang mga tingin namin at patuloy niya akong pinagmasdan, hinuhuli kung ano ang sagot mula sa mga mata ko. 

"You knew, Rinnah," ani Jourdaine. "You knew that distance pulls both of you apart. Whenever you go here then go back there, you know both of you change. You fall apart little by little. You slowly turn into a stranger to one another. So. . . aren't you scared?"

"I am," I mumble and I close my eyes. 

"Are you confident that he wouldn't change his feelings? Is that it?"

"No, Jourdaine," I say. I reach for the empty cup of cortado and I look at her. "People change, so do feelings. I cannot hold on to the hope that he would love me despite the distance between us. Despite the time we had apart.

"I did it because I want him to be sure about what he feels," I say. "Feelings are cunning, Jourdaine. When your heart flutters and your feelings sway—you immediately conclude that you're in love. You know that people misinterpret me. I care for people. I treat you all the same. I must have treated Hiel with extra care but still—what if I influenced him to like me?

"What if he likes me because I've always been there?" I ask, my fears resurfacing. "What if he only loves me because I had been there for him? What if he's not really meant to fall in love with me but because I filled that emptiness in him he thought that—ah, I am in love with Rinnah?"

"Rinnah," Jourdaine sighs. 

"I love him, Jourdaine. Still. Until now. But I care for what he feels too," I say.

Jourdaine sighs again. It was clear that she wants to say a lot of things but she chooses to not say it. 

"So," she, instead, starts to say. "What date have you two agreed to meet?"

"December first," I say. 

"December," Jourdaine echos, nodding. "Do you have any assurance that he'd meet you?" 

Umiling ako. 

"What if he did change his feelings?" she asks.

"I'll accept it," I say, smiling a little. 

"Even when it hurts?" she asks.

I nod. "Even when it hurts."

"And then? What happened after the night he confessed?" Jourdaine probes.

The night he confessed, Hiel didn't ask me for a reply—as if he already knows what my answer would be. Pero tingin ko, mali ang iniisip niyang magiging sagot ko.

It's like he's contented that I know he likes me—or in love with me—and he doesn't expect me to like him back. It was new to me. Whenever someone expresses their interest in me, it's like they're expecting me to reciprocate the feelings.