Coldest War (War Series #2)

Chapter 22

#war2wp

Chapter 22

Lost

"That's why your exes think that you never really loved them, Rinnah," ani Jourdaine, inilalapag ang in-order n'yang inumin sa lamesang nasa pagitan naming dalawa. 

I turned silent. The cafe is busy just like usual and I could hear the busy street of New York outside. 

Jourdaine's right. Nagtataka ako kung bakit hindi ko naparamdam sa mga naging nobyo ko na nagustuhan ko talaga sila. Siguro, hindi ko sila nagustuhan una pa lang. I just thought that I had been a girlfriend to them. Siguro nga, wala akong nagustuhang kahit na sino.

Si Hiel lang. 

At hindi ko kaagad 'yon natanggap dahil hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit. Bakit ko s'ya magugustuhan? I have always thought that my ideal partner is someone older and more mature than me. Kay bakit ako nakakaramdam ng kakaiba para kay Hiel?

Bakit nang binisita n'ya ako no'ng December na 'yon, iba ang tibok ng puso ko? Iba ang akto ko kapag kasama s'ya?

His visit that year was faster than his last visits. Isang linggo lang s'ya ro'n at umuwi rin kaagad sa Pilipinas. We just watched a couple of movies, visited a couple of places, and played chess most of the time. Hindi ko nga alam kung nasulit ba ni Hiel ang pagbisita n'ya ng taong 'yon. Pero ako, I sure did enjoy it a lot. 

Especially when we went to a cafe and spent a couple of hours there, both holding a cup of hot coffee with both our hands. While we talk, I keep on smiling. At habang nagkukuwento ako, nakikinig si Hiel nang mabuti sa 'kin, taking everything I tell him, smiles when it's funny, listens carefully when it's something serious, and whenever I take a sip on my hot coffee, he'd watch me bring my cup up and drink from it. 

It snowed that day. Kahit na malamig, gustong-gusto ko ang paglaglag ng niyebe sa araw na 'yon. I usually like summer. But Hiel makes everything beautiful even if he doesn't even do anything. He just existed and everything turned beautiful. 

Even the coldest days. 

The coldest days. 

He makes the coldest days the warmest days for me. Even warmer than summer. Even warmer than the cup of coffee I held that day. 

Hiel told me a lot of things---he already got himself a student permit so he has been learning how to drive for a while now, he said that he's taking Humanities and Social Sciences in senior high school, and he told me the conversation he had with his friends a few months ago about their future plans and some other random stuff. How Jadon said that he'd marry right away after college---which made me laugh because I am sure he wouldn't do that---how Hanani talked about waiting and love. How Hanani asks a lot of questions and how Hiel loves hearing his friends answer them.

When he left, I still tried to observe what I was feeling pero dumating na rin ako sa puntong hinayaan ko na lang ang nararamdaman dahil ayokong masyadong isipin 'yon lalo na't hindi naman ako makakuha ng sagot. 

It was new to me. 'Yon bang maramdaman na parati ko s'yang naiisip at napapangiti ako sa tuwing naiisip s'ya. 'Yon bang sa bawat makikita kong gamit, maiisip ko s'ya. Bawat nangyayaring nangyari na rin noon no'ng kasama ko s'ya, naaalala ko si Hiel.

And whenever I feel that way, I'd feel guilty. Because I am Hiel's friend. . .and yet I felt that way towards him. It feels like I betrayed him. It feels like I shouldn't. 

Kaya naman pinigilan ko ang nararamdaman ko at hindi ko na pinagtuunan pa ng pansin para hindi na 'yon lumalim pa.

Hindi nakatulong na naaalala ko ang nangyari noon kay Brylee nang umamin s'ya kay Hiel. She avoided him because she was having a hard time dealing with what she felt. Ayokong iwasan si Hiel dahil lang sa gulong nararamdaman ko. Maybe I should just ignore it, that's what I thought at that time. Kung hindi ko masyadong iisipin, baka malimutan ko rin.