Periods, Pyaar And Patriarchy

Chapter Twenty-seven

"Shruti, you have to know why I'm worried about it," Seema says after a while. Shruti had hoped that the conversation was over but the strange feeling in her gut told her otherwise. And when Seema says that, Shruti dutifully replies, "Yes, maa?"

"You know if it had just been a dalliance; I wouldn't have worried. You're not like Shweta; you don't jump headfirst into anything. Even swimming pools, from what I remember. You were always so cautious, tiptoeing into the pool even long after you learnt how to swim. Unlike your sister of course. She jumped headfirst into the pool on her first day."

"So, if you were just dallying- I wouldn't ask you to be very cautious. But this is a marriage that you're talking about. And marriage; in India, you will find don't have a very 'individualistic' approach. You won't just get married to the boy- you will find roles beyond being a wife thrust onto you overnight. And some very uncomfortable compromises." Seema says, wondering if her daughter was even understanding a word of what she was saying.

"Uncomfortable compromises?" Shruti asks, bewildered. What was her mother talking about?

How could Seema explain to her daughters what they had never witnessed? That all of the iciness that had shrouded her when Sanjay had left hadn't been simply due to his absence; but because of the lack of support from anyone on his side of the family? That there hadn't been so much as a courtesy phone call or a visit- except her mother-in-law.

But her mother-in-law hadn't been a woman who had much warmth; even when Sanjay had been present in their lives. That before he'd left; Seema had felt the constant, subtle feeling of being out-of-place when they went over to meet his family during the girls' vacations?

Or the weddings, funerals, engagements, and countless occasions that she'd missed on her side of the family; because every time she made a plan, an 'emergency' one arose on his side of the family.

How there had been family members she still passed on the street sometimes, who wouldn't so much as meet her eyes after all these years. And how there had once been family members who wouldn't so much as meet her eyes even when Sanjay had been around. That the acute, out-of-place-ness that marriage brings for women- what was that feeling? And how was she to explain it to her daughters?

And how Sanjay had never suffered from it.

Nobody ever believed that he was obligated to attend events on Seema's side of the family. Or take care of Seema's mother when she was sick. If he was 'busy'; it was alright. Marriage seemed to have given him the bonus of Seema's presence, her kindness, and her willingness to help out.

On the other hand, for her- it seemed to have her spread out too thin. Marriage, doubling the support for men and halves that for women.

Shruti and Shweta; when they were old enough to comprehend grief and pain- saw their mother suffering from only the heartbreak. They didn't see the trials that had come before it; or the little heartbreaks that no one seems to tell you marriage is made up of. And while the world was changing; Seema wasn't sure desi society had still changed as much. If Shruti were to get married; she would find out about all these compromises in an uncomfortable manner.

And Seema wondered if she could prepare her daughters for something they hadn't really witnessed.

Seema had, after Sanjay left, mobilized whatever little support she could find on her own side of the family. Make amends with cousins whose marriages she hadn't been able to attend, newborns who were acquainted with her only after they were five! And it had taken time, patience, and hard work to undo all those years of damage that absence had done.

And her girls; as modern and independent as they hoped to be- could marriage with its' compromises even be a feasible proposition? Seema couldn't believe that she was thinking of it- but she couldn't help but feel that her daughters would have much easier lives if they never chose a new name for their lovers.