Feel Real

Chapter 14

                I leaned up and looked at him. Rage filled my bones and I started to scream from within. "You don't understand, Daniel."

                "Actually I do," he said, his tone like a slap in the face. Daniel had never sounded mad at me and now he was. He stood up and pointed at me, rage evident on his face. "Casey, my parents left me and my brother killed himself within the same month so do not play the 'you don't understand' card because I damn well understand more pain than you do." Daniel sat down and let out a long breath as I stared at him with amazement. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

                All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and kiss his tears away. I can't do that though, I have to hate him for my brother's purpose.

                "You have so many people who are here who love and support you," he whispered, not looking in my direction. "I know I told you that you could blame me from keeping you from your brother but I had no control over that and I can't handle you hating me. I'm going crazy. I know the pain you're feeling is unbearable and I'll tell you that it never gets better, but just allow me to fill that hole with love. I'm sure Sam would want nothing more than for you to live your life to the fullest and not mourn his loss forever. It's more than fine to have him always in your mind but his loss cannot control your life. You still have your parents and friends."

                I leaned into him, my body collapsing with fatigue. "Can you come to my brother's funeral with me," I asked.

                "Of course. I just don't own a suit."

                "You can borrow one of my father's."

                "Sounds good."

                "Can I have some time to myself?" I asked. Daniel nodded his head and stood up, kissing the top of my head before leaving my room. I curled up into a little ball and stared at Sammy's bed until I lost the strength to keep my eyes open.

                                                                                                                                ***

I woke up Sunday morning and felt complete dread. I was glad Daniel would be joining me to my brother's funeral but that didn't mean that I was okay with him. He just happens to be a nice body to cry into.

                I met Daniel at the breakfast table and stared at my food until Daniel told me that my parents would be here any moment. At the moment I looked like shit: my hair was unwashed, the bags under my eyes were evident, and my body felt like it was going to collapse. Daniel looked as restless as I did: his hair was messy and it looked as though he hadn't slept. Hopefully my parents were okay with me brining Daniel along; I don't know why they wouldn't be. When my parents picked us up we would head to my house so I could get ready and actually look presentable. Then it was off to the funeral and old faces I haven't seen since May.

                When my parents pulled up I asked if it was okay that Daniel was coming along. They agreed, my father saying that he could try on suits and do his hair while I got ready.

                Getting ready took all my strength. Being back in my home was overwhelming alone. My room felt foreign, my bathroom feeling unwelcoming. Being able to wear normal clothing and wear makeup was so odd; I felt uncomfortable and dressed up. Before heading down stairs I walked into Sam's room. It was just as I membered it, the door was shut though rather than open like normal. The room was stuffy and the air felt stiff. I ran out before suffocating and was greeted by Daniel.