Feel Real

Chapter 13

                We got to a room and I sat down, Racheal strapped me into the chair before going behind the desk to sit down. I whispered under my breath, “Nice touch.”

                “The straps are required, we don’t know if you’ll try to kill yourself. You got pretty creative.”

                “Thanks?” I said, unsure on how to respond to her comment.

                “Here is what will happen, Casey. The way to get out of here is to become sane. Or, more sane. Sane enough to live with other people and have no worries of harming yourself. How to do this you ask? Put yourself into every session, talk to me when I ask you a question or for your opinion on something and speak honestly. Don’t get out of line. No violence: no hurting yourself or other patients. Eat all your meals, don’t go anorexic on me. And best of all don’t attract any attention. Good behavior retrieves freedom. Soon you can enjoy the outside, no straps on your bed at night or during sessions, and maybe a security guard won’t follow you everywhere you go. You can make it out of here in two weeks if you’re good. Do that and you will go home on time; the more time you spend in here the later you leave the hospital in general. You got six weeks kid, good luck.”

                Racheal’s words were muffled by my thoughts. I looked around the room, imagining what would give me release. Each object could do it; you just have to have the right mindset. Lord knows I do.

                Two weeks I could be out of here. I just got to act sane, no acting insane. I’m good at pretending, for seventeen years I acted like I was someone I’m not. I think I can handle being sane for two weeks. Get out in the general hospital and deal with it for four. At least there I will constantly have Sammy to talk to, to truly keep me sane. Once I’m out I’ll end it. I wonder if I’ll get a bench. Probably not, it wasn’t a suicide in the hospital. There’d be more benches if they give ones to those who killed themselves when they got home.

                “I got it,” I said through clenched teeth, making direct eye contact with Racheal.

                “You’re smart, I know that well. Do not make me do anything I will regret. I have been assigned to you personally, I know you as a person. Like how I know right now you’re keeping it all inside, not letting anyone see you break. That’s what you did when you heard the news, you acted calm but honey, you had a storm within you.” She looked down at my hands. Consciously I rubbed them together, a slight pain shooting through my body as my hands moved. The pain felt good, refreshing, so I moved them more.

                “I know when you’re lying so don’t act like this pressed the restart button, I still know you, even in crisis. I am willing to handcuff you if you act out of order so don’t even test me, that’s your first and only warning. Do not open your stiches, they’re small and tight but you have long nails and desperation can do anything. You get drugs with every meal, for a while you’ll take some for your hands. Long story short, my dear Casey King, don’t be dumb. Use this to help you get better and to leave on time so you can start your senior year of high school.”

                Inside me a storm raged. I wanted to punch a wall or stab myself. End it all end it now. But I have to stay good. Stay good and get out of here. Out of this entire institution.

                “Alright,” I said.

                “Sad that all the pretty and smart ones are insane, it’s such a waste. Such a rare combination, brains and beauty. So rare because they kill themselves before the world can see them. Don’t be the one who ends their own life.”