Is this in my head?

Breaking

"Hello Kellin". I said almost breaking into tears but I hold back. "Hello my beautiful angel." He said. "Why didn't you come home last night"? He asked. "Oh I fell asleep at Niall's". I said looking away from him. I couldn't bare to look at him. I quickly walked into my room, the room, the room we so boldly share....the room where....where...where we made love. I get undressed. Just as I was about to lay down I feel a kiss upon my shoulders.  "Kellin please don't". I say to him. He looks confused but tears fill up my eyes. "What's wrong baby girl"? He asked with such confusion. I can't look at him as I start to cry harder, louder. I cover my face up with pillow to drown out the sound of my crying. I just can't tell him.  He continues to ask the same question over and over. I don't answer him. Finally I fall fast asleep. I wake up the next morning with a headache and  I know its not good to go to sleep upset but I couldn't stop crying. I walk down stairs where my beloved husband stands making breakfast. He's not looking at me and I say hello. He returns one back without looking, he's focused.  I just blurt it out. The words I have been trying to keep in.  "I had sex with Niall". I tell him and without a filter I keep going. "I kissed him, and it just happened, I couldn't stop myself, I lost control, I was so upset and I didn't know what I was doing". " I regret it so much". I scream. Then I realized what I just said to the man I love. To the man I so deeply craved for. The man I've wanted to be with since I could remember. The man I wanted to be the father of my child. He turned around so fast, like a tornado. I couldn't look at him in the face. "YOU DID WHAT"? HE SCREAMS. "I can't believe I did it". "I regret it so much". I tell him. He doesn't care. He looks at me with so much hate but doesn't say a word to me. I feel so horrible. I can't stand him looking at me like this. I can't stand to be here knowing he hates me so. I want to die. I want to jump off a cliff. I imagine it over and over again. Kellin's voice shakes me from my head. "I think it's best if we have some space, I need to think about this alone, not with you here." He Said. It was nice to hear his voice again but his words cut through me like a knife slowly going in me. "Maybe you should stay with a friend." He suggested.  I was thinking to myself as to who I could stay with. Danny? No she wouldn't understand and she might hate me, plus vic is there and that's Kellin's bestfriend.  So yeah no. Desirae?  No she won't get why I did it. Damn. Who can I stay with. They were pretty much my only friends. I guess Niall it is. I know its bad I'm staying at his house again but I have nowhere else to go. I called Niall. I told him what happened. I packed my things and drove over there. "So what is gonna happen between yall"? Niall said slowly. "I don't know, he said he needed time to think." I said almost shaking. I put on my night clothes and crawled into bed. "I'll take the couch". Niall said softly. "No, stay please." I beg. I'm not sure why but I need someone here with me and I know niall and I had sex and I know I regret every second of it. I'm in love with Kellin. But I love Niall as well. I want Kellin my heart craves for Kellin but I sadly and weirdly want Niall too. He crawls into bed with me. Suddenly I feel safe. He puts his arms around me I fall fast alseep. I'm confronable.  I woke up the next morning. Niall is by my side and I feel okay. Niall is my bestfriend, I feel safe when I'm with him. I just can't believe I had sex with him, when I love Kellin so much that it hurts. I was at a not very good state and i just did something, the thing, the Unthinkable. I don't understand why i did it. If i don't understand then no one will.  I grab niall and pull him closer. He's my warmth, my rock, my bestfriend. The one that has been through everything. He's my bestfriend and Noone can ever change that. My phone rang. It shook me from my thoughts. It was Kellin.  I answered.  I was scared. "Hello". I said. "Katherine, I'm ready to talk about this come home when you are ready." He said. "Okay I'll see you soon". I said and hung up the phone.  It was nice to hear his voice again.