Is this in my head?

Healing

So Kellin and I have made up and right now I am healing from the fact that he lied. It still haunts me at night. Maybe I shouldn't have forgave him. Maybe this was a mistake. But I did and now we are okay. We're not the best and we aren't prefect either. I got out of bed and started to get dressed, when my phone rang. It was Niall. I answered and said hello? "Kitkat"! He said freaking out. (That's what he has always called me) "Yes Niall"? I said calmly. "Zayn left the band and I don't what to do". "What's gonna happen to one direction"? He said nervously. "I don't know niall". "Why don't we go get something to eat and talk about it?" I said. "Okay that sounds great". Niall said with tears almost coming. I got dressed and told Kellin what happened and told him, I'd be back soon. I kissed Kellin and left. When I got to Niall's house, the door was unlocked like usual and I let myself in. I called for him but no answer. I ran up stairs to find him on the bathroom floor in tears trying to kill himself. "Niall"! I screamed. Omg! I took the knife away and wrapped him in my arms. I comforted him. "I don't know what to do". He said sniffled. "It will be okay, I know he was your best friend but you'll get through it and you guys can still hang out". I said slowly. "Yeah but what's gonna happen to one direction"? He said starting to cry again. "You guys will still be amazing and get through this, you guys will never be the same but you'll be amazing". I told him. "If you want I'll stay here with you tonight". I said. "I would love that". He said. I called Kellin and told him. He was quite angry with me but he'll get over it. I got back over to Niall's and put my stuff up stairs and he started to make dinner. We talked and laughed. It was good to hang out with a guy who wasn't Kellin for once. We ate and went upstairs. "Omg"! I said freaking out. "What"? Niall said confused. "I think there is something wrong with the baby". I said almost in tears. Niall rushed me to the hospital. "Excuse me mam but is this your baby's father"? The doctor said. "Um no." "my husband is at home". I said. "Oh okay well I'll give him a call." The doctors said. They called Kellin and he rushed over. "What did you do to my wife"? Kellin said angered. "Calm down Kellin he didn't do anything." I answered. "I'm sorry it's just you were only with him for a few hours and you end up in the hospital." Kellin said calming down. "Um I don't mean to interrupt but I'm so very sorry to tell you this but you have lost the baby.... you had....a .... Miscarriage!" Said the doctor. The words he spoke cut through me like a sword going through my heart and into my back. I couldn't believe it. all I've wanted was to be a mother and I have lost the baby. What did I do to deserve this? I hugged Kellin so tight he couldn't have broken my grip. I started to cry. Softly then hard.