Sarah Paulson & Characters x Reader - Mental Health One Shots

Dark Place - Cordelia Goode (part 2)

Part 2 of @justnoicantthinkof1's suggestion

TW : Eating Disorder, Weight loss, Self-Harm, Depression, Suicide Attempt, Pills (I think that's all...)

-- words count : 1130 --

Days passed since Cordelia and I discussed, but I'm getting worse. I can see my bones because I'm very skinny, but I can't eat. I'm scared of regaining the pounds I so hardly lost. Cutting is now a habit. I draw lines on my body as soon as the old ones are fading, and I never leave my room.

Cordelia seems to have a lot of work, so she isn't worried about my little problems. The girls came back from holidays, but I don't want to talk to them. I feel so tired to socialize.

"(Y/n), wake up, we need to go to our first period now or we'll be late !" Says Zoe shaking me slightly.

"I'm too tired, tell Cordelia that I'm sick." I reply, my voice muffled by my head resting on my pillow, under the covers.

"I'm not going to lie (y/n). And it's not Cordelia teaching us today, it's Myrtle."

"I don't care, just leave me alone." I answer but instantly feel bad for snapping my best friend. I hear Zoe sighs and leaving the room. I think I'm finally alone, but I hear someone entering the room, without knocking. At first, I think Zoe forgot something, but the steps are heels, and Zoe doesn't wear heels.

"(Y/n), I know you're awake, I just talked to Zoe, she says you're ill."

I recognize Cordelia's voice and I feel so grateful that Zoe lied for me, she's such a good friend.

"But I don't think that's true." Cordelia finishes.

I don't dare look at her, so I stay under the covers, until Cordelia talks again.

"Now you're going to get off of bed and explain me what this is all about." She sounds angry and it scares me a little, I never saw Cordelia mad.

As I don't move, she takes the initiative and pulls the covers, to discover my weak and pale body, covered in old and fresh scars. She gasps at this view, as I finally make eye contact with her deep brown eyes.

"What- what happened ?" She asks in disbelief.

"Nothing ! Let me alone !" I scream as I put the covers on me again.

"(Y/n), you can't shut me down again. I knew something was off with you, but... I didn't imagine it was that bad."

"Nothing's wrong Cordelia, now, let me sleep." I say, burying my head into my pillow.

"No, I'm not going to let you kill yourself by starving and- and self-harming." She says trying to pulls the covers again.

"STOP ! LET ME ALONE" I yell and Cordelia takes a step back. She seems so worried, and scared at the same time. As she doesn't know how to react, she just leaves. When I figure out she is far from my room, I stand up, and nearly collapse. I don't remember the last time I ate, and it doesn't even make me proud. I just feel nothing, I'm empty. I walk unsteadily in the bathroom to weight myself. I step on the scale, and that's when I break down. The numbers are so low, but never enough. I grab the nearest blade and without thinking, I draw lines on my lest wrists. They are deep, but not enough, again. The pain in my chest never leaves, but I need it to go away. The only solution for the pain to leave, is for me to leave. Leave the academy, this world, this life. I reach for the pills I keep in my drawer, and I take a handful of it. I swallow them hardly, and put two more handful in my mouth, when I hear knocks, again. But this time, they aren't on my bedroom's door, they're against my bathroom's door.

"(Y/n), please, talk to me honey. I know I should have take better care of you, I'm sorry that I was too busy to notice how bad you were feeling."

I don't answer because I already feel weak from the pills. Cordelia doesn't hear any answer, and she starts to panic.

"(Y/n) ?? (Y/n) sweetie please." She keeps knocking until she's really freaking out. "(Y/n), I'm coming in." She says, opening the door. And she immediately freezes as the sight in front of her. My motionless body lying on the bathroom floor, pills in my hands and blood everywhere. She can notices my showing bones as well, and she runs to me.

"I'm here baby girl, I'm here. Please fight for me !" She takes my limp body in her arms and sits me. My eyes are closed but I can still hear her. I'm not dead yet, and not unconscious neither. She suddenly puts my head above the toilet and puts two fingers down my throat. I throw up most of the pills, but she repeats her actions as long as I keep puking pills. Once it's only bile, she carries me to my bed. Cordelia is soft and her warm hands on my cheeks make me open my eyes.

"Oh my god (y/n) you scared me ! I'm so sorry, so sorry baby girl." She whimpers. After stroking my cheeks for few minutes, she stands up and comes back to the bathroom. She grabs the first aid kit and sits on the edge of my bed.

"I'm going to take care of you (y/n), I promise, I won't let this happen again."

She gently bandages my wounds and when she's finished, she looks at me.

"Why ? Why didn't you look for me before going into such a dark place ?"

I cough I little before answering, because my throat was burning.

"I- I couldn't. You were so busy and- and I didn't want it to stop. I wanted to go as far as I could but I didn't imagine I was going to try to..."

"To kill yourself (y/n)." Cordelia finishes my sentence. "You try to kill yourself." She sighs. "But what breaks my heart the most is that you kill yourself since a long time now."

I look at her confused.

"Look at you, you are starving. You're killing yourself slowly by not nourishing your body. And the scars on your arms... And legs." She says as she looks down at my lap.

Tears were quietly streaming down my cheeks as I understand how bad I was and how serious what I did was.

"I didn't understand it was bad for me ! It helped me at first, but then I couldn't stop, I couldn't even talk to Zoe, or you ! All I wanted to do what to see how far I could get before..."

"Before dying." Cordelia ends again my phrase. I was sobbing uncontrollably at this point, so Cordelia bends to hold me tight.

We hug each other for what seems like hours, until she pulls away.

"Now I want you to rest, and then I'll take you something to eat. I won't let you die in front of me (y/n), not a second time."