Sarah Paulson & Characters x Reader - Mental Health One Shots

Drugs - Cordelia Goode (part 2)

Part 2

TW : Drug, Suicidal Thoughts

-- words count : 1100 --

The next morning, I wake up very early. I didn't sleep a lot and I don't want to take a shower. I just change my clothes to a big hoodie and some sweatpants. I go downstairs, but everyone is still asleep so I figure out I'll wait for them to eat breakfast. I go outside to smoke, but I don't want just a cigarette, I want to feel good like I was feeling at the party, so I make myself a joint of weed that I smoke alone. When I enter the academy again, the girls are up. We eat breakfast silently, as Cordelia is asking how was the party. We laugh remembering Zoe threw up and some other fun memories. Once we are finish, Zoe gives me a quick look. I can see the concern in her eyes but I just brush it off.

Cordelia POV :

As I'm cleaning up the dishes, Zoe comes to me. She seems very tired, but I know she drank a lot yesterday night.

"So how was the party Zoe ?" I ask.

"Cordelia, I need to talk to you about something..." Zoe says, looking down.

I immediately start to worry, what if one of my girls is hurt ? What if something happened to one of them, like last time with Madison ? Zoe can see I'm nervous, so she doesn't wait any longer.

"It's (y/n)... She- she said things and..."

I drop the plate in the sink, looking at Zoe with wide eyes. (Y/n) is like a daughter for me, and I know about her depression and how sometimes she is feeling really bad. I knew lately had been complicated for her.

"Just tell me Zoe."

"She says she wanted to kill herself. She didn't want to live anymore and it was so scary because she seemed too convinced and absolutely not worried about it !" She says, tears filling her eyes.

I look at her for a few seconds and I jump upstairs. I open her door without knocking, afraid she had already done something. But she is just laying on her bed, listening to music.

"Cordelia ? What is it ?" She asks. Her makeup is a mess and I can smell a weird smell in her room.

"Did you take something ?"

"What are you talking about ? I didn't take a shower yet, so yes, I stink I know." She replies angrily.

I approach her, but she sits.

"I talk to Zoe and she is worried... And I'm too."

(Y/n) POV :

I suddenly remember what I said the night before. But I can't talk to Cordelia about it right now, I'm still high.

"I don't know what you're talking about Cordelia."

"(Y/n) please. Saying things like that it's not nothing."

"Shit Cordelia ! Let me alone !" I yell as I take my bag and I storm outside the room.

"(Y/N) !! COME BACK HERE NOW" She screams, but I'm already outside the academy.

I walk to a park and I smoke again. Weed again. And all the afternoon, as soon as I feel that I'm getting down, I smoke. I don't want to feel normal again. I want to be high because I don't feel like I have problems and things to deal with when I'm under drugs. At night, I just walk on the streets, still smoking when I feel the effects of drugs are leaving my body. I know Cordelia must be so worried, but I can't come back now. I just want to feel light for a few more hours, and then I'll get back to the academy and stop smoking weed. But not now. I spend the next day outside, smoking and on Sunday night, I come back to the academy because I have class tomorrow.

When I enter the front door, I can hear the girls eating. I step in the kitchen and I suddenly feel all the eyes on me. Cordelia stands up and run to me.

"(Y/n) where were you ?! We were so worried ! I was so worried !!" She takes my head in her hands. "Did you smoke again ?!"

I nod, still high. Cordelia sighs and takes my hand. She pulls me upstairs and sits me on my bed without saying anything. I hear her running a bath and she comes back to me. "Come on." She says lifting me and walking me to the bathroom. She undresses me and I don't say anything. I'm too high to take care of myself. Cordelia sits me in the hot bath and starts cleaning my face and my body. I don't feel ashamed to be naked in front of her, as I'm very high. Then, she wraps me in a soft towel and dresses me with some comforts pajamas. She makes me lay on my bed and sits next to me. As she strokes my face she says "We are going to have a talk tomorrow (y/n). But I need you to rest as long as you need. You can skip class tomorrow it's okay." She waits until I fall asleep.

When I wake up, it's already 1 pm. I stretches and go downstairs. Cordelia is sitting, waiting for me, I suppose. I clear my throat and she looks at me.

"Take a seat sweetheart."

I sit next to her.

"I know it's not going to be easy, but I know what you said to Zoe. And I know you have been smoking drug since the party. I'm thankful you're not high anymore (y/n). But now you need to open to me about what you said to the girls."

I can already feel tears filling my eyes and Cordelia notices as well. She draws circles on my back.

"I- I don't want to be here anymore, it's too difficult Cordelia."

"What is too difficult honey ?"

"I don't know... Life." I say looking down.

"Oh sweetheart. I'm sorry you're feeling like that. I know a lot of things happened to you and it must be so difficult but it doesn't mean that you have to stop fighting. You are so brave, you are a fighter and you know it."

"But I rather feel nothing than feel pain. And I feel pain all the time, except when I'm high." I say now crying my eyes out.

"I know, but when you're high, you're vulnerable (y/n). You think because you don't feel anything, you're stronger, but that's not true. You're vulnerable. I can't imagine how hard it is for you to confront your problems, but what I know is that we're here for you. I'm here for you. I'll help you until you feel something else than pain, because it hurts me so much to see you like that."

I raise my eyes to meet Cordelia's.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's not your fault. Nothing is your fault, but please never do that again. Don't leave, don't try to escape your problems by taking drugs, or alcohol and come to me, anytime. I'm here for you, you're not alone."

"I love you Cordelia."

"I love you too."