Sarah Paulson & Characters x Reader - Mental Health One Shots

Drugs - Cordelia Goode (part 1)

 Sooooo it happened to me few weeks ago and I wanted to write about it because, idk. I hope it's not too bad. (sorry it's very long, there'll be a part 2)

Feel free to give me ideas and requests ! 

Take care x

Cordelia is a mother figure.

Reader has been living at the academy for few months, and Cordelia knows about her past of depression, she helps reader through it several time but it never goes as bad as right now.

TW : Drug, Alcohol, Suicidal Thoughts, Mention of Depression and Medication

-- words count : 1200 --

I was fine, I was totally fine. Well, sometimes depressed, but I was taking my medication, school was okay and my friends were perfect. I love living at the academy with my friends and Cordelia. I love her like a mother, since mine wasn't really here for me.

It went wrong last Friday. I was going to the biggest party of the year, and maybe the only one. Cordelia is no comfortable in letting her girls going to big parties, partly because of what happened to Madison last time. But it was the exception, she agreed.

It is 10:30 pm and we arrive at the party. It as a bit far from the academy but we are together, Zoe, Mallory, Madison, Queenie, Nan, Misty...

We enter the party room and it was huge. Loud music, alcohol, so I immediately take a drink, tequila. It is not very tasty, so I quickly finish my drink and I take another one, vodka. Then all along the night, I keep drinking, and drinking...

I had bought cannabis for this party, because I wanted to enjoy it even more. Madison knew about it because she helped me payed the drug. When I finally find her in the crowd, I look at her and she nods. We step outside, where people were smoking their cigarette and I roll a joint with weed. We smoke but Madison don't want to smoke too much, because of what happened last time when she was very drunk at a party. We come back in the party room and we dance again. It is very cool and I'm feeling so, so good. All my problems are gone when I'm drunk and high, I am so peaceful, but I don't want this feeling to go away, so I step outside again to smoke, more weed. After a lot of drugs and drinks, I'm feeling like I can fly, everything is so perfect, my friends are happy, everyone is dancing and singing.

I suddenly find Zoe in the crowd.

"Zoeeeee !!" I scream at her.

"Heyyyyy (y/n) ! Are you enjoying the partyyy ?" She asks me, very drunk.

"Yeeah but I need to pee. You come with me ?"

She nods and we enter the bathroom. There are some girls speaking, doing their makeup... We enter the same toilet and Zoe holds my drink.

"I'm having soooo much fun, I never want to leave this partyyy..." I state very drunk.

While I'm holding Zoe and I drinks, I can tell she is very drunk as well.

"Girl, I drank soooo much ! That's so coooool."

"Me toooo Zoe !" I giggle. I suddenly hear Mallory's voice outside the bathroom. "Mallory ! MALLORY ! It's Zoe and (y/n) !! Can you wait for us so we can go dancing together !!"

I hear Mallory says that she is waiting and we step out the toilet with Zoe. I notice Madison as well, and she comes closer to me, obviously as drunk as we are.

"(Y/n), I love you so muuuch. But sometimes, you are just a pain in the ass. Alwayyyyys depressed is so exhausting for people around youuu. Stop being like that, it would be better for everyoooooone." She says getting closer to me. As I'm very drunk and high, I rest my back on the sink to steady myself. I listen to her, not knowing what to say.

"I knoowww.. I'm sorry I knoooww.." I say, feeling like nothing can make me feel sad tonight, because the alcohol and drug took away all my problems. She keeps talking to me about why I'm a burden for everyone, and I want to tell her that I feel the same about me. Zoe and Mallory are still next to us, when I start talking.

"Don't worry Madison, I'll be gone soon !" I say hugging her, very convinced of what I'm saying.

"What ? No ! No nooo that's not what I'm saying (y/n), just sometimes you're annoying with all of your problems."

"I know, I know. That's why I'll die soon but it's okayyyyy !" I answer, smiling like I was talking about the weather. "You'll be missing me but it's better for everyone you knooooww."

"What ?!" Asks Zoe "Wow (y/n) what are you talking about ? Don't say things like that !"

"I know people who died and who killed themselves and it's okayyyy, you'll get over it don't worryyyy." I say, still high and drunk. But I don't want to feel otherwise, so I start making another joint of weed.

"Hey, stop." Says Mallory. "Come on, we are going to talk outside." Mallory isn't drunk, she just drinks a bit but she is in a far better state than Madison, Zoe and I. She takes my hand and walks through the crowd. When we are outside, Madison isn't here anymore, I think she came back to the dance floor to enjoy the party. Zoe seems very upset about what I said, but it's what I feel, and for once I can talk about it freely, the alcohol and drug removed all of my filters. So I start talking again.

"I'm sorryyy if it makes you feel bad Zoe, but it's nothing I can't do about it ! I'll probably die soon because it's what I want, I can't do it anymore but it's okay, it's not a big deal." I seem very, truly convinced of that, and peaceful about it, and that's what stressed even more Mallory and especially Zoe.

"No, don't say that, you stay with us (y/n). Stay with us, okay ?" Mallory tries to comfort me, but I don't need comfort, I'm okay, I'm feeling so good right now.

"How can you say something like that !" Zoe cries. Tears are streaming down my shirt as I hug her. "You can't do that !! How can I do without you, I'll never get over it you can't do that !!"

I kinda feel bad, I don't want Zoe to feel bad about what seems like a relief for me.

"It's okay, I'm just going to join my friends who are already there !" I say as I look at the stars in the dark sky.

Zoe is a crying mess and Mallory tries to comfort her. I just don't know what to do right now, I want to enjoy the party and never face my problems again. So I quickly come back inside, and order two more drinks.

The party continues, and few hours later, I see Mallory coming. "Zoe isn't good, can you go check on her ?"

I nod and I walk to Zoe, who is throwing up, between two girls that I don't know, laying on the ground. I stroke her hair and help her a bit, and when Madison comes in, I go back to the dance floor. I dance, sing, enjoy the party until it's time to go back to the academy. The girls already left so I come back with Madison. We are laughing, not remembering what happened few hours before. When we arrive at the academy, we go to our room and I slip into my bed, without taking off my clothes. I feel so good, as I'm still drunk and high. I fall asleep, with a smile on my face.