I don't want to feel better

Disney world yayyy-

"Karl that's not fair to you, I'll be fine by myself." I say and stand from the small bench stumbling slightly as I stepped forward.

"We can always come back another day we're gonna be here for a couple months it's alright man, come on now." Karl said grabbing my arm. We walked to the car that Karl had rode in, I sat in the back and he got into the front seat.

"Put your buckle on." Karl looked back behind the seat and I buckled the belt hearing the small click as it locked into place.

Karl started the car and began driving home.

—time skip—

We pulled into the driveway after not have said a thing to each other throughout the 30 minute ride.

We parked and I quickly unbuckled, opened the door and went inside. I kicked my shoes off at the door and ran up the stairs to my room.

Why do I ruin everything

Why can't I just pull myself together

I ruined everything

I'm such a fuck up

Karl probably hates me

Jacks probably upset cause I messed up his vlog

I slid down my door and sat on the floor. I grabbed at my hair and sighed.

I hate myself so much

Everyone hates me too

I don't deserve life

I don't deserve anything I have

I don't deserve the fans

I don't deserve my friends

I don't deserve anything

I don't deserve the air I breathe

I don't deserve the food I eat

I'm just a waste of space.

I felt tears fall down my face as I pulled my knees to my chest hugging them closely. I hit my head back onto the door 4 times roughly.

I cried and cried for what felt like ages. I wanted to relapse so bad but I had no energy to. I felt so drained. I was mentally exhausted. I want someone to genuinely care about me.

I don't trust myself at all. I miss everything I used to have. I can barely remember the last time I felt okay. It's like that feeling when you get a cold and you feel like your dying so you try and remember what it feels like to be not Sick but you can't.

I was trapped in a deep hole that I couldn't get out of without completely putting my life in someone else's hands. I was helpless and useless.

Why would anyone care. I'm just another person, out of 8 billion people on this earth I don't think I'll be missed. I had no energy to get up right now. I laid on the floor next to my bed sobbing my eyes out and occasionally pulling at my hair and or yelling.

-time skip :)-

It had been hours. I sat on the floor tears dripping down my face ever so often. I probably looked like a complete mess. I finally stood up off the floor. I sat on my bed and wiped my face despite the tears still falling from my eyes.