Dancing in the dark

When your world falls apart

I awoke to the sounds of beeping, footsteps and hushed angry voices. I had no idea where I was all I knew was that I was in a lot of pain. I slowly opened my eyes only to shut them again, due to the bright lights. I blinked a few more times and finally I could see clearly, there was a lot of white and monitors, oh great I was in a hospital. I looked to my left and gasped softly and closed my eyes. Jake was just entering the room. I pretended to be sleeping while the people around me talked.

“Shouldn’t she be awake by now, whats taking so long doc” Jake his voice was so worried and sad.

“She will wake when her body is ready, it has a lot to process and so will she” I assumed that was the doctor. I heard footsteps leaving and then a chair being dragged over next to me on the right. “Im so sorry Princess, this is all my fault, i hurt you so bad, I don’t think you will ever be able to forgive me this time” he held my hand and his body shook as he started to cry. My heart broke, I didn’t understand what was happening, but im guessing I hurt myself badly, hence all the pain I was feeling currently.

I slowly squeezed his hand and opened my eyes. Jake jumped up and hit a button as a nurse came rushing in “Rebecca I see your awake finally, welcome back are you in any pain?”. The nurse came and checked me over, I winced as she felt my stomach “Yeah my stomach is killing and my back hurts a lot but not as bad as my stomach, what happened I don’t remember anything, did I hurt the baby or something” I asked softly. The nurse gave me a heartbroken look and suddenly Jake walked out, I didn’t know what I had said to upset him. I ran my hand down to my baby bump and gasped loudly, I pulled the gown up and stared at my belly. Where once a growing large bump was, now was only a very small bump. I looked up at the nurse with tears in my eyes, she sat next to me and held my hand “Im very sorry dear but your placenta detached and caused you to miscarry, we had to give you a C-section and remove the baby, im so sorry my dear, we don’t know why sometimes these things just happen”.

All the pieces click and suddenly I had small flash backs from last night, me talking to Jake, to me crying, to me throwing things. “Did I hurt the baby” I muttered out as the tears finally broke. “No dear nothing you did caused this, it’s just a very sad thing to happen”, she patted my hand and left me to clear my thoughts.

I couldn’t believe what was happening to me, just a few days ago I found out I was having a baby boy and planning his nursery, now I had no baby in a matter of hours. My heart broke as my body shook as more tears came.

A hand held mine tight, I looked up to see Kelly crying just as much as I was “Im so sorry Becca, I got here as fast as I could, Omg baby girl I love you so much, I rang and told your dad, I hope that’s ok , I didn’t think you would be up to it yet”. I pulled her close and hugged her as we both cried, for what seemed like hours.

Finally no more tears could fall and I was so, so tired. I laid down and Kelly laid beside me, none of us speaking just holding each other tight. “Kel, where’s Chase and Jake” I murmured out. She squeezed my hand “I made them let me come in first, I hope that’s ok but your my best friend and they wanted whats best for you, so there waiting outside until you’re ready to see them” I smiled and closed my eyes and before I knew it I was asleep.

I woke up alone but noticed I was surrounded by flowers, balloons and chocolates. I smiled to myself and found my phone sitting on the table next to me. On top of it was a note from Kelly

Hey pretty girl,

Sorry im not there but I couldn't get comfy and was starving, hope you like your presents there from, Jas and Khloe, Chase, Jake, Luke and of course me. The guys are outside your room so if you want any one just text them or yell out.

Be back soon Love ya Babes

Kelly XoX J

I smiled at the letter and grabbed my phone and decided to text both the boys. Within 2 seconds of me hitting send they were walking through my door. The both looked sad and defeated but the tried to be happy when they came in

“Hey” I muttered out. The sat on each side of me and held my hand softly

“How are you feeling” Chase asked softly, I tried to give a small smile but I knew I wasn’t fooling anyone “Im adjusting, im hurting and sad but im trying to keep it together”.

“Im so sorry Becca, I shouldn’t have made you so upset, this is my entire fault” Jake whispered out as he cried softly. I squeezed his hand gently “Hey this isn’t your fault I already asked if my little outburst hurt the baby and the nurse just said it happens sometimes, if it didn’t happen then It would have eventually happened at some point of the …pregnancy” . They both nodded slowly and I squeezed both their hands “I need to ask you both something and I really want you to do it for me ok” they both looked up at me “Anything Becca”. I let go of their hands slowly and tried to find the right words. “I need a break, from you…both…losing this baby is hard on its own. I need time to myself to figure out what im going to do. I can’t do that if im always worried about you to and not to mention this is very complicated” I shook my hand between the three of us.

They both looked like I had punched them in the face and it hurt me to hurt them, but I needed to figure me out. “If that’s what you want, we will give you time, but just no you can always talk to us and that we care about you” Chase whispered softly. I smiled up at him “Your still my English teacher we will see each other just, I need to figure out me before I can think of being with someone again”.

They both left the room quietly and finally Kelly came back. We picked through our chocolates as I told her my decision. “I think it’s smart, It will suck a bit but there your friends first so they will be there for you baby girl”.

The lovely nurse came around and told me I was being discharged that night. Kelly insisted on helping me home and told me that Chase had cleaned out the house as best he could for me. “Umm but we should avoid the lounge room, new carpets coming tomorrow…” She trailed off, of course I would need new carpet I couldn’t stand to look at the blood soaked carpet everyday as a reminder of what could have been.