I Swear This Time I Mean It ✔️

Chapter 25

When Draco woke up the next morning, Harry was completely wrapped around him. His soft smile at how adorable his boyfriend was faded into a frown as he thought back to what was written on the parchment that he had read the night before.

Harry's writing had been messier than usual and completely unstructured.

"Guilty, I'm so guilty. Why did I survive so many times?

I see their faces everywhere. Sometimes I wake up and I forget all of the pain that I inadvertently caused just by being born.

Teddy didn't deserve this. Neither did Ron, Hermione, Draco, or Neville.

Living for those who died doesn't feel healthy. Living for my friends doesn't either, but it's enough. I want to live for me. I really only feel like this around the anniversary of their deaths.

Happiness can be found in a person, and I've found mine.

It's hard to talk to people. They're already worried, I don't want to worry them more. Therapy would help but there's always the risk of what I say not remaining private. It's hard to trust.

It's still a struggle to talk. Some days I just don't have the energy.

Classes are hard to focus on. Every loud noise puts me on alert. I regret coming back some days. I feel like a flight risk. I don't even know if I came back for me. I knew that I needed to so I could 'heal' but that feels ages off.

I'm consoled that I was able to help the Slytherins. They don't deserve the hand they were dealt. I wish I could do more.

I know what it's like to have a poor childhood. I mourn the loss of what could have been. Who I could have been. I never got to live and be loved. Everything was ripped to shreds and torn to pieces.

Going out in public as myself still terrifies me. I don't know what I prefer more: people blaming me, yelling, screaming, throwing insults, or all of the praise that I receive. I wish to be anonymous. Glamours in the wizarding world use up more energy than in the muggle world.

I'm not even tired, I'm drained. I feel like a flame that is slowly being deprived of oxygen. I don't recall ever feeling peaceful in my life, or even in my death.

I just want to exist peacefully. There's a thin line between being alone and being lonely.

I'm worried about codependency. Where is the line? I need to be okay on my own because I want to be, not because of others. That's one of the hardest parts. I put up this front and even I can't see past it sometimes. When I'm happy I question if I truly am, or if I'm responding how it's expected of me.

I just don't know."

Draco knew that the codependency was about him. Were they moving too fast? Were they too reliant? Were they sabotaging their own healing?

"Happiness can be found in a person, and I've found mine."

This was the only positive thing written on the page, and it made his heart soar. He was painfully in love with the man in front of him, and he would give Harry the world if it was asked of him. He would speak to Harry when the time came about some of the things he mentioned, but today would be about remedying some of the loss. Anonymity is one thing that Draco can help provide.

He was itching to get up and start preparing for the day, but he couldn't bear to leave Harry alone. Draco didn't know how Harry would react to that and he wanted to keep him safe. Instead, Draco did what he did best; he solved some of his problems by summoning his wand and using magic.