Goodbye Yellow Brick Road ✔︎

30 | Too Much Thinking

|photo by Nic-Y-C from Unsplash|

Maybe it's just my imagination but it seems like the closer it gets to Thanksgiving, the more intense things get between Conner and me. Megan claims it's just the natural order of things. She says it's pent up sexual tension from months of "repressed lust."

I think it has more to do with the fact that in less than a week, I'll be going home. It kind of feels like Conner and I are running out of time. Like maybe things won't be the same when I get back.

No-No squirms when I step closer to the sliding glass door. "It's okay," I say, readjusting my hold to make him feel more secure. "It's too cold for the terrace."

A pair of strong arms snake around my waist. "What's going on with you?" Conner asks.

His entire body is pressed against the back of mine but it's not having its usual effect—at least not on me. No-No climbs my shoulder and licks his chin.

"Ugh," he says. "Toto goes on the floor."

He accomplishes the task with one hand. The other urges me over to the couch. "Why do you look so serious?" he asks, pulling me into his lap.

"Too much thinking."

"About?"

"The future."

"Hmm. I wonder if we're thinking the same thing."

I relax back against him. Gotta love a boy who likes to talk. "You first," I say.

"I think we should go public. Or at least semi-public. Like when we're with Chase, I want to be allowed to touch you."

"So you want to tell Chase?"

"Chase already knows."

"He does?" I readjust myself, turning sideways so I can see the smug confidence in Conner's tone. "I mean, I suspected..." Chase said a couple of things that made me think he knew Conner and I went out the night of his party. "But you know for sure that he knows?"

"Yes," Conner says, with a smile I can't interpret. "And now I want the rest of the swim team to know. They keep asking me if you're with Chase and I hate that shit."

I'm sure a lot of people assume Chase is the reason I started hanging out in the gym after school—with the rest of the swim team groupies. Mari Okada comes to mind. I'd like for her to know that Conner and I are together. Because every once in a while, I catch her glaring at me and I get the feeling she's making nefarious plans.

"If the team knows then everyone will know, right?"

"Yeah, probably."

If everyone knows then Paige will know. Has Conner thought about that?

"Is that okay?" he asks.

If everyone knows then I'll have to really and truly let go of the pretense that I have a boyfriend back home. I'll have to admit that I've moved on. And I have, obviously, because I care about Conner. And yeah, it would be great to walk down the hall holding his hand, to kiss him after I straighten his tie.

And when I go home for Thanksgiving, I'll tell Glenn he was right.

I cross my arms over my chest. Stupid freaking lump. What do you want from me?

"Apparently it's not okay," Conner says.

"I think maybe we should wait until after Thanksgiving?"

"Ah." His hands drop from my waist and he sags against the back of the couch. So that now I'm just awkwardly perched on his knees.

I'm tempted to get up and go back to my view of Central Park but I don't want him to feel like I'm abandoning him—because I'm not. "The thing with Glenn, it's not... I mean, it's definitely over. He went out with my best friend's sister and hasn't called me since. But there's still something..."