Merlin's magic (Oneshots)

IDI4U part 7: Friday

And THAT was why he did what he did yesterday. Because he loved Merlin. Because he loved everything that Merlin made of him. Because he loved the person he was when he was with Merlin.
Because he was scared to find out who he really was. But knew he had to face that person eventually.
Because if he didn't, then Merlin would find that person before Arthur would. And he would despise Arthur for who he was. And they would drift apart. Slowly.
Like poison, Merlin would be intoxicated. Until he realized how Arthur would eventually become bad for him.
Especially when they parted after school, to study their respective career choices.
Merlin would realize how much of an ass Arthur actually was.
Because Arthur would become someone else in that other school. Without Merlin. All alone and abandoned by his reason to live and he would eventually become that monster he was afraid of.
And then Merlin would wave him of. Leave with other people. And Arthur would have hoped they could be together again, but then his hope would shatter and he would go die in a pitch of loneliness.

Or worse.

Merlin wouldn't do that.

Worse, Merlin would stick with Arthur. Never try new things. Never meet new people. Always rely on Arthur. Always be there with him. For him. Never grow his own person either. Because that much was clear:
Arthur had been as much a constant of Merlin's life as Merlin had been of his own.
And then Merlin would be stuck with him. Never find the person that was worth his time. His love. His everything.
Arthur would never have the chance to prove he deserved him either, because there was no one to compare him to.
Merlin would be with Arthur, because he was used to it. Because it was easy. Because Arthur would be a tame monster under his gentle touch.

Merlin would ruin his own chances. His own future.

Arthur bit down on his knuckles. Now look at what he had done.
He had chosen option three. Be the monster. Destroy everything, before it destroyed itself. Or becomes so attached that it will never be able to spread it's wings.

Arthur was giving Merlin a chance, really. And himself too. It was better, right? Better to be apart?
But was it better to be apart forever?
Arthur closed his eyes. He didn't understand it. Why did these thoughts come now?
Why did he have to hurt Merlin NOW?
The thoughts felt right and wrong at the same time.

His alarm bell rang for the fifth time.
Not yet! Arthur looked up.
He wasn't ready to go to school yet! He bit harder on his knuckles, to keep himself from making a sound. His teeth bore through skin, but he barely felt it. He could only taste the blood on his lips.
He silenced himself.
Because he didn't want to hear himself. He couldn't bear to hear all the pain. He had screamed enough. He didn't want to hear himself sobbing.
He wasn't allowed to feel pain. He wasn't allowed to feel better after letting it all out.
Not when he made Merlin suffer.

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Morgana had only left off his window and door, when she too, was to be late for school.
(And yes, she climbed over the roof to knock on his window. That was normal. She did that all the time.)
Arthur hadn't managed to calm down at all with all the banging noises at the door. She had given up. Yet he did not feel safe.
But how was he supposed to feel safe, if the person he was afraid of was still in here?

Arthur stood up around ten am. Not because he felt any better, but because he really had to use the bathroom.
He stepped through a bunch of dirty laundry, which he REALLY needed to get washed, did his business and then went to wash his hands. He may be a monster, but he wasn't THAT kind of monster.
Arthur looked in the mirror and felt disturbed by his own reflection.

What he saw didn't look like himself. He felt detached from the image. Red rimmed eyes, a pale expression, sweat damped hair as if he just woke up from a nightmare instead of staying up all night.
He looked exactly as he felt.
Exhausted. Haunted. Crushed.