𝐑𝐮𝐧𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐲 |𝟏𝟖+

39 || His First

But now, things were messy, lines were blurred. I was doing things I didn't normally do, it was fucking with my head and it had everything to do with the sleeping beauty laying next to me.

I didn't fuck in my own bed, I didn't ever give up control during sex, nor did I ever stay past my own release.

I was selfish, constantly taking and leaving immediately after getting what I wanted. Perhaps it was a trauma response, or the memories that came after the sex that made me feel so overwhelmed, but I never want to be touched and needed to be alone.

I turn my head and catch sight of the girl in bed next to me, curled away from me. The sheets are thrown loosely around her and the morning sun that'd been in my face was now casting a warm glow across the tan skin of her bare back.

I reach out and ghost my thumb over the length of her spine, tracing the unblemished skin that's so fucking delicate and soft under my touch.

I may not have wanted to be touched, but I wanted her near me, felt at ease with her next to me.

Something weird happened last night.

The widthdrawls of sex were usually brutal. So brutal that I never dealt with them on my own, always got high, or took a few pills to ride out the inevitable panic attack that would come.

But last night, I fell asleep next to her.

I didn't have the urge to push her off my bed, didn't have the urge to down a few pills or reach for the hidden packet of coke I'd once stashed beneath my nightstand.

I simply fucked Bambi and then fell asleep.

That'd never happened before.

I waited for the shortness of breath, the unwanted memories and everything else that came with one of my severe panic attacks, but it never came.

I felt... fine.

My mind was at ease, my body was relaxed. And that lighthearted feeling in my chest? I figured it was the closest I'd ever get to happiness in my miserable life.

Jesus Christ, it was addicting.

She was addicting and she was all mine.

I turn over onto my side and slide my palm up and down her back. I'd been so fucking out of it last night that I didn't even think to put her in one of my shirts incase she got cold.

Goosebumps line her skin at my touch and I move to slide my hand up the length of her side, over the curve of her hip, up to her waist before slipping my arm around her waist and pulling her back so that she's flush to my front.

"I know you're awake." I murmur in her ear, before ghosting my lips across her shoulder and pressing a series of chaste kisses across the skin.

She doesn't speak, nor does she move but her breathing shifts and she sucks in a ragged breath as I begin rubbing my palm over her stomach.

She felt so good in my hands and maybe I was still reeling from the high that came from fucking someone without regretting it for the first time, but I was on cloud nine.