Eli & Juno

22- Words

"You really think you're going to be better off in Ohio?" he demands. "Are you crazy?"

"It's not my decision, Juno. It is what is best for business."

He shakes his head. "Is this because of me?"

"What? No! Of course not. Not at all. It's not because of you. Not because of the video. It just...Makes sense."

"Yeah," he says. His voice is cold. "Makes sense. Perfect sense."

He stands up.

"Juno-"

"I'll see you around, Eli."

. . .

Someone knocks on the door. It swings open. I crane my head to see who it is.

"Wrong room, Cassel," I say, my voice muffled through my pillow. This is one too many times someone has interrupted one of my moping parties, and it's coming to my attention that too many of them have been centered around Juno.

"Actually I was coming to see you."

"Why?" I ask harshly. I want him to leave. I need him to leave.

"Because I want to understand."

"Understand what?"

"You." His footsteps are light as he comes to sit down on the edge of my bed. I sit up. "We are all trying to understand someone, Eli," Cassel says. "I'm trying to understand you."

"Is that why you are finally talking to me?"

He nods slowly. "I've been trying to understand you for years. How do you always push through? But, I don't know how. Everytime I try I slip up and say the wrong thing." He tears his hands through his hair. It had started to curl in the last year. Somehow, I hadn't noticed. "God, El, do you hate me?"

El. That has always been Cassel's nickname for me, even before I came out. Short for Elsa, he had said. Now short for Eli. I soften.

"Of course not. I just think we're both very confused." I take his hands. He flinches. "I'm not saying it won't be hard to work things out between us. I'm saying it will be worth it."

"I've been a terrible brother."

"As have I." I glance down. "But if anyone is going to fix that, it's us."

"I want to stay, El," he says suddenly. "But it is entirely up to you. We'll go again, we will leave early if that is really what you want."

"It isn't."

"It isn't?"

I shake my head. "We are both trying to be better siblings. What kind of sibling would I be if I uprooted your life again?"

"But the video-"

"Screw the video." A surprised look passed over Cassel's face. "It doesn't get to decide who we are, or make us run away. So what if people know who I am? I am proud of it."

"They'll say things."

"People talk."

"What if they hurt you?"

"I will heal. What won't heal is that wound we will create if we leave again. We can't keep running and blaming it on business, Cassel." I smile a little. "Plus, Ruewen's don't miss school, remember?"

"Yeah." He pulls his hands back slowly, settling them in his lap. "If anyone says anything to you-"

"They will."

"Let me finish. If they do, tell me, okay?"

"Why? You can't hurt them back. That's not the right thing to do."

"Well... Twin power, right? It defines all other laws."

"Even physical assault laws?"

"We'll see. After all, you broke my nose."

I laugh. "I am sorry about that."

He shakes his head. "I deserved it. Plus it's good to know my little brother can fight."

"I am not your-"

"Oh but you are." His laughter stops abruptly. "I really have been a monster to you these past few years."

"You never were a monster, Cassel."

And I mean it, because once I thought he was, and I looked up the meaning. The word monster stems from the Latin messenger of chaos. Then it was adapted by the French to mean a myriad animal. To be a monster is to be a hybrid of shelter and wanting. A lighthouse.

My brother is a lighthouse. Even if he lost his way, he always helped me find mine in the dark.