she's worse

26

"You need to be reminded you're the product of the corruption you hate so much. Just like me," She said softly.  God, it was condescending: the way she said it.

"And you need to be reminded that I have no connection to them the way you do. I do not profit from them. I did not profit from them. I am a product of them having sex, but I am not a product of their corruption."

"You grew up so angry with them, the Seven. You raised yourself around revenge. You are not the product of their greed, but you are a product of their corruption. If it weren't for it, you wouldn't be who you are because you raised yourself to hate them. The Seven push you forward because you want to destroy us. They didn't not raise you like a product of the family. An heir to the fortune, but their actions are so widespread, your hatred for them raised you," She was in inching towards me again.

"Are you leaning towards me because I don't have a shirt on? If you want to look, go ahead I guess. Stop straining your peripheral vision," I leaned closer to her trying to get a reaction.

"If I wanted to look, I would. But I can't do that when I'm too busy conversing with you, can I? But now that you mention it, okay." She moved her eyes slowly from my face to my neck, examining the curve and crevices. Her eyes roamed over my shoulders and to my bare chest. "I know what you're trying to do. So stop."

"I was just suggesting. It's a lonely house." I shrugged my shoulders. I just needed some form of relief from the stress of these last few days.

"I know you enjoy sex. I do too, as do many others. But I don't do casual sex," She scooted back. "Put on your shirt." I shrugged my shoulders and put it back on.

The stress, anger, and fear that had built up in me was too much for masturbation. I needed something more.

"Can we at least go out somewhere?" I asked her.

"Our lives are more important than you being horny," She scoffed as if she understood. She didn't do casual sex. I didn't necessarily love the casual sex; I craved the high. The feeling of being wanted, of being touched, orgasms relive stress. It's science. Temporary is better than nothing.

I just kept my mouth shut and shrugged. I didn't need to defend myself to her. Why I get defensive about being horny anyways? It's normal.

"Some of us don't know how to cope with stress in other ways. I'm sorry I suggested it. I won't bring it up again. Not all of us have this perfect healthy relationship between ourselves and stress," Her face softened for a second as I contradicted my thoughts of not explaining myself. 

"I can help you, you know. I used to not know how to relieve stress without putting a dent in my parents bank account at the mall. It's different from yours, but it's an unhealthy mechanism regardless." I nodded. I didn't let her see that her soft sincere tone had affected me in anyway.

"And what would you want in return?" I raised a brow. Why would she do anything for me without a price?

"Civility."

"Excuse me?" I scoffed at her blatant response. "I am civil. I don't think you understand that it's hard for me to be civil given the current circumstances."

"I'm not asking for us to be best friends or anything, I'm just asking that you stop alternating between being bitchy and then all up in your feels." While she had a point, I was a bit too stubborn to immediately succumb. "I know I'm not easy for you to be around, but the less hard we make this for each other, the less time we have to spend together." That did somewhat make me feel bad.

"Alright, I can do nice." I curated my words slowly, as if only half believing them, but I couldn't feel the emotion behind them so how could I know how to present them? "And no insinuating wanting to have sex," I added. She nodded.

"Thank you. This makes both of our lives much easier, you know. Anyways, take a nap or sleep till tomorrow or whatever because we have shit to get done." She gave me a smallest smile before rushing out of the room.

Her small smile showed me her pretty dimples.

Like my other nights here, I didn't sleep too well. The haunting images of the Windsor-Cozen fuck up and Thalia and Sorin's C7 cell, and gun shots. A lot of fun shots, except I was the one aiming. In the end I died. No matter what I did, or what happened I died.

I forced myself to stay asleep and endure the pain from my nightmares. The memory of my physical abuse never leaving the nerves on my body, especially my back. I dreamt of the cruelest things people have said to me. Thalia's words were included this time.  I thanked early mornings I once believed to be dreadful. The early morning dark has a relaxing aura.

Or maybe it was my body relaxing after my nightmares.

"I don't know what it's like to talk to someone about myself for the sake of being judged," I mumbled to Asteria as she joined me at the breakfast table. Her puffy under eyes told me she hadn't slept well either.

"You're not talking to be judged. You're talking to be heard. You're talking to let go of whatever's inside you." The issue was I didn't know what was inside me. It had never occurred to me that any part of my other than my survival was important and the mindset stuck after the age of 13 and to this day I struggle to let it go.

"The only emotion I don't feel guilty holding is the ecstasy that comes from sex." I jumped straight into it because how the hell can this be eased into?

"Did you have the sex to feel that one high from allowing yourself something or because you could feel that other negative emotion being release? Or was it both?" She asked me as she took a sip of her hot tea. I tried to think of anything to say back to that. Was it both? Was it not both?

Was it only one or was it more than just the both? Was I just trying to feel it all at once and then hope it was all gone after the orgasm?

"I don't know. I felt something good and I just chased after it." It was almost shameful for me to admit that. That I was vulnerable. That my emotions were not the way they should be.

"Did it start with Landon?" The question was so quiet, I could have been sure it was the cottage's loud heating system speaking to me.

"Yes," I admitted and I saw Asteria slowly and deeply inhale.

"I'm apologize for that. I was doing what I had to and didn't stop to think about such consequences." I watched as she sat up straight in her seat, setting the toast down on her plate. Her face was perfectly towards me, but her eyes shifted from her left to the floor on her left. She was clearly embarrassed, but I had no reason to embarrass her over something I rarely thought about anymore.

"I'm over it," I scoffed.

"Of course you are." Her tone saturated with sarcasm— and a hint of annoyance. "It's why go out looking for orgasms, because you're just having young girl fun. Not because you don't understand your emotions and look for ways to get rid of them."

"I don't know how to stay away from the things I feel I need. I don't care to have things unless I really want them. And when I want it, I get it."