Sunflower [h.s.]

26 - Patience

Unlike how we were set up during rehearsal, my keyboard was now placed in the front of the stage, on the direct left of where Harry would be standing, as if I were sharing the stage with him. The idea of being front and center was unnerving, but at least I'd be closer to Harry.

The guys were being rowdy backstage and I could hear the commotion as I was frozen in place, staring at where I'd be singing in just an hour or two. We'd arrived pretty early before the gig, so there weren't many people in the bar, but enough to make me uncomfortable where I was standing. How did I expect myself to perform when the place was packed?

Anxiety creeped up through my now tightening throat and made its way straight to my brain. The band had gained a lot of followers before I'd decided to join, what if they didn't like me as an addition? What if they actually lost followers because I was essentially now sharing the spotlight with Harry? This isn't what I wanted, I just wanted to be their keyboard player while they tried to find someone else, and now it seemed like they wanted to keep me permanently.

My brain racked through all of the embarrassing memories of myself that it could remember, images of being frozen when Will showed at my recital burning into my retinas and clouding my vision. My palms were growing sweaty, what if my hands were so sweaty that I couldn't press the right keys?

Just when I was almost certain that I'd thought of every possible way for tonight to go wrong, I imagined myself freezing and Harry's disappointment. He said he'd do whatever he had to do to make sure I was okay, but it shouldn't be his problem in the first place. Record labels were scouting the area and this was his dream. What if I messed that up? Could we ever come back from that?

My breaths were becoming heavy and I was beginning to feel like the room didn't have enough oxygen for me, like it didn't have enough space for me to exist when I felt a familiar hand on my back.

"Charlotte? Sunshine?" Harry's voice coaxed me back to reality, my eyes pooling with tears at my most previous thought and now from embarrassment that he'd witnessed it. I couldn't bring myself to answer him, although I tried. The words couldn't push through the tightness that had grown in my throat and my hands clenched at my sides.

"Come out back with me, just wanna talk," he continued reassuringly, his hand now rubbing my back. Every ounce of energy I had was spent forcing myself to turn on my heel and take a step. And then another. And another until we'd reached the backdoor that Harry held open for me as I walked through. He shouldn't have to deal with my problems, especially not now.

His eyes scanned mine, desperately trying to read my emotions and figure out where this outburst had come from, but I couldn't bear to look him in the eyes. I'd convinced myself that I'd ruin this for him and there was no talking me down. I was doing it right now.

"Sunshine, don't cry. You're gonna ruin all your hard work," he shushed me, his hands reaching to wipe away my tears as I tried to will them away. I hadn't even realized I was crying until he'd mentioned it and I tried my hardest to ignore the burning feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me to flee.

"I'm sorry," I choked. I felt comforted by his hands holding my face, yet all I wanted to do was run. He deserved better than me, someone who wouldn't ruin such an exciting night for him.

"Why are you apologizing?" he nearly whispered, his hands still cupping my face and his eyes still searching for any sign of how I'd gotten to be in this state.

"I-" He was so open and it was just so hard for me to let anyone in, especially in this state. But I wanted to try. God, I so desperately wished I could just try and be better for him. "I'm scared about tonight," I managed, hoping to give him at least a glimpse of where I was coming from.