𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦

𝐬𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧

⌜︎𝑎𝑚𝑎𝑟𝑎 ♔︎ 𝑠𝑚𝑖𝑡ℎ ⌟︎

Sometime I stay awake at night staring at my celling, thinking and contemplate every outfit I've worn, every word that has reached the back of my throat but refuses to reach my lips and roll off my tongue, every choice I've made.

every choice I've made.

I guess I haven't really made a choice for myself lately or not like I used to.

I used to make every choice I made a perfect one unflawed and perfected. every action, every boy, every word spoken out of my mouth. But now? Now I just go with whatever seems to happen. It doesn't matter what boy looks at me, what time I sleep if I get any at all, what happens just happens and I don't stand a change against it.

I'm not as strong as I used to be.

and I'm fine with that.

I hate admitting it but it's the best lie to myself, to keep myself together to help me make myself move farther. If I don't say I'm not doing okay then it doesn't have to be true right?

"Amara are you even listening to me?" My mothers voice rings in my ears. Breaking out of my thoughts I shake my head "I'm sorry, what where we talking about" I ask softly.

"Your dads leaving again, so I thought... me and you could go on a girls day" she smiles, my stomach turns warm as excitement starts to rise "what? really?" I ask making sure I heard her right "yes we haven't had one in ages, we really need to catch up" she reply's before walking to my bedroom door "wear something cute" she smiles again not quite reaching her eyes as I nod before she walks out closing the door behind her.

-

After getting dressed I quickly throw on a sweater before running down stairs, I see my mom on the couch texting someone before she quickly turns off her phone once she see me.

"hey hon, you ready?" she asks getting up and pulling her purse to her shoulder, I nod as we both start walking for the front door.

"I'm taking you too this Beautiful restaurant, their five stars and their food looks amazing!" my mom groans throwing her head back as my stomach suddenly turns as the thought of eating fills me.

I wouldn't say I have an eating disorder, sure I don't eat everyday, nor do I feel right if I do eat but it's became comfortable to feel that emptiness in my stomach and it's thrilling when I lose a pound or two and another.

I don't hate my body, well not every part just my arms and thighs, the way my thighs used to rub together, how if they where to close they would sweat or how my arms have hair and couldn't fit my hand around my wrist with certain fingers.

But now, my thighs are too small to rub together, and my wrist is so small I can see how beautiful the bone shapes it.

Not eating does have it's own cons but the pros are so worth having, it nearly makes me want to keep losing and losing weight.

But I won't let my self get the far.

Before I know it we're at the restaurant 'violas' is posted in big black cursive letters meeting the top of the two glass doors framed by thick black metal, the restaurant it's self looks expensive, the big fountain shooting water through the air with pennies at the bottom rusting, the building built by cement and held up by two big and thick golden posts on each side of the place and the soft music that you can barley hear from outside just tops it off.

With my mouth agape on my mothers side we both walk in, I take in the scenery as my mother talks to the front person about her reservation.

A red velvet carpet dressed the floor, black glass walks covered the walls big tables matching the walls designs where coated with big plates full of food, everyone looked so elegant. suddenly feeling under dressed I look at me feet tell my moms done talking and we get seated at a table.

"hello ladies, I am your waiter, Ashton. What can I get you start on beverages" a young man asks maybe in his late 20s asks.

"Yes uh can I get a Glass of champagne and for my daughter she'll have water" my mom says as the waiter just nods and walks away.

"I could order for myself you know" I say playing with a Salt packet "I just didn't want you to get to bloated hun, basketball needs you healthy" she sharply smiles shaking my head I look down at my feet "yeah uhm about that, I missed tryouts" I muter with no response I look up hoping she didn't hear me.

She goes to open her mouth but is stop by Ashton bringing our drinks in fine glasses "here you ladies go, what can I get started for you?" He asks holding a tablet in a hand and a pen in the other.

Mother quickly tells him what she wants before he looks at me but she quickly reply's for me "she'll have a Cesar salad" the waiter nods then walks off.

"you do know I'm old enough to order my own food right?" I ask softly playing with the black straw, "well I would hope, but even though you missed basketball I can't have you looking bad, you know how bad that makes me look?" she answers in a low rough voice "but that's not fair mother, it's my body my choice" I say back meeting her cold gaze "your my daughter, my daughter I have to take care off, so how I see it is the choice is mine tell your 18" her dark blue eyes stare back into mine as I look down playing with the lose denim of my jeans.

-

Dinner was hell.

Mother wouldn't stop silently nor verbally judging and picking out every detail that she hates.

Coming home I run to my room unable to keep from hot tears run down my face. Softly shutting my door I slide down the back of my door letting my tears fall free.

𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐚'𝐬 𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐟𝐢𝐭:

𝐯𝐨𝐭𝐞 𝐧 𝐜𝐦𝐭 𝐩𝐥𝐬!!