The Glorious Triumph - Previously {The Nerd Kicks Ass}

25: Confessions

He pushes himself out from under the covers, revealing his exposed chest. While he was muscular, he was still very skinny for his body type, height, and age. His bone structure almost just as defined as his muscles under that skin. Then over his chest was the long scar with my brother hidden behind it. I pull away my gaze to meet his eyes again not wanting to focus on something as pointless as a body. 

"I don't know how to feel about this whole situation," his hands twist around themselves nervously. My head tilts confused. "My dad had been abusive for years. He even knew he could kill me if he hit me after m surgeries but he did it anyway because he's a drunk bastard. I remember when he was much kinder, when he wouldn't touch a drop of liquor. I think I'm grieving more for losing that part of him more than anything. Because when he would hit me, I always thought - even though it was dumb to - that he still loved me, and maybe that one day he would put down the bottle. Now that there is definitely no chance of that happening, I'm crying over a man who hasn't been in my life in years. 

And now my mom and brother. I loved them," his voice begins to quiver. "I love them, but why would they disappear? Why after all this time, after all this abuse, they would leave now but without me?" His warm brown eyes were shattering and I grab him tightly, his arms squeezing me back. 

"I had begged her to leave him. Theo managed to leave with college but he still abandoned me in the end. Why now? Why couldn't we leave when any kind of physical abuse towards me could kill me because I was so sick? Why couldn't my mom tell me she would leave? Or even just hint at it?!"

Kevin's body sobs into me, his weight and worries crushing me. I hate this so much. How could anyone do this to their son? How could anyone do this to their brother? 

"I hate myself for being so weak that my family, after everything we've gone through together, would rather abandon me!" 

"Kevin, look at me for a second please." I cup his worn face in my hands and press his forehead onto mine. "I don't think they see you as weak. You've survived and overcame so much."

"Then why would they leave me?"

I sigh deeply, thinking of the words carefully. "They were probably protecting you. You're too young and full of a life ahead of you. You have the opportunity to change your path in life." 

"Then why did Theo have to get involved? He got out right?"

"I'm not sure but what I do know, is from what you've told me about him, he's always been there for you. Whenever you're dad came home, he would be there to protect you. I mean, even with the bad case last time. Theo was ready to get arrested to keep you safe. From what I see with your family, they genuinely want you okay! You're dad may have been a bastard but he was also a place that was guaranteed to keep a roof over your head. Maine winters are no joke - and you're going to see that."

He melts back into a hug, and I rub his back, ignoring any moisture on my shoulders. I scratch his head. 

"When Ella and Patrick died, I slept in this room for 3 months." I feel him lift his head but I space out on different parts of the room. His old trophies, old medals.... "I kept thinking to myself - 'I was there too. I was right there.' I was there when we hit that car, and I was there watching the life pour out of their body. I so vividly remember feeling parts of Ella on me, and hearing the painful gasps from Pat. I remember starting to lose consciousness and waking up in the hospital, then yelling at my family 'why not me?' I haven't told anyone one this, I never had anyone to tell. In June, I attempted suicide." Kevin pulls away and shakes me.

"What? Grey!" his hug tightens, not leaving much room for air. Yet my tears keep coming.

"I thought the same things at that point. Why did they leave me? Why did I have to be left behind when the most important people in my life are gone? I tried to overdose on pills. I just grabbed a bunch of anything I saw hidden at the back of the medicine cabinet. A mix of old pills that expired or even just meds that were once prescribed to Pat. I went to my room but the second I had any of them, I threw up. Oh god did I throw up. My body instantly wouldn't let me digest anything.