tumblr || rudy pankow

0.8

Beau found herself sitting on the dock off of Rudy's parents property, watching the sun come up. They'd arrived late last night but she couldn't sleep. In fact the only thing going through her mind was that four days ago she was pregnant and today she wasn't. They were supposed to tell his parents at breakfast today, but instead the words would be "we lost our baby." Cold October air blew against her, making her wrap the blanket she had around her tighter. It was peaceful for a moment and she didn't mind.

Heavy footsteps on the wood brought her attention off the water and she looked up to see her best friend walking towards her bundled up, carrying a thermos and frowning at her slightly.

"It is twenty eight degrees outside." He told her. "You are asking to get sick." He set the thermos down, reaching into his coat pocket and pulling a hat out. Placing it on her head, he sat beside her. They sat in relative quiet for a few minutes, his fingers laced with hers.

"Penny for your thoughts?" His voice was soft, breaking through the icy air.

"It was supposed to be different." She said. "We were supposed to be telling your family about our baby today, but now we get to tell them we lost them. It's just, I was really excited about doing this with you. Even through all the Elaine bullshit, it's been you."

"I realized it was you the first time I went to Charleston. That morning, before I went to the airport you were in my apartment, wearing that damned striped sweater and I thought this is the girl I want to wake up to every day" he told her. "I didn't make a move, which was stupid but the moment my eyes landed on that test when you dropped it mid panic attack, I knew I was going to raise that baby with you and I couldn't imagine a better person to do it with." It wasn't exactly his words that made her cry, but more all of her pent up feelings. He moved to wrap an arm around her as he fought back his own tears.

"Hey" her cold hands reached up to cup his face. "You know you're allowed to cry too, Ru. You lost your baby too." A choked sob left him, one he didn't even realize he was holding back.

"I just don't feel like I deserve to, Beau" he sniffled. "You were the one that had to physically go through that. They wouldn't let me be with you. You had to go through that alone."

"I knew you were there, Ru." She mumbled, tears falling. "But the fact that I am the one who physically lost our baby, that doesn't mean anything. It was your baby too. You are allowed to cry, to scream, to be angry. Your grief is just as valid as mine."

It was almost nine in the morning when they finally wandered inside, cold to the bone and with tear stained cheeks. They'd dozed off on the dock, making them colder than they were. He wrapped his arms around her, walking her past the kitchen where his mom was making breakfast with a mumble of "we're going downstairs to take a shower. Freezing", then down the stairs to his basement bedroom.

They'd showered together, washing each other's hair with more tears spilling from their eyes. Dressed in his hoodie and a pair of sweatpants, Beau threw her hair up into a messy bun, then made her way upstairs to find him helping his mom cook. She wrapped an arm around his waist to let him know she was in the room, making him press a kiss to her forehead, hoping his mom wouldn't notice.

Luckily, it was just the two of them and his parents at breakfast, both of his brothers already at school for the day, completely unaware that Rudy was even home. Penny knew there was something up with her oldest son, but didn't say anything, thinking he'd tell her when he was ready. They'd just sat down at the table when Rudy grasped Beaus hand, lacing their fingers and sighing before looking at his parents.

"So there was a reason for this trip" he said. "And unfortunately, things didn't go as planned." His voice was soft, on the verge of breaking as he looked at his parents. Beau rubbed the back of hand softly, staying quiet. He said he wanted to be the one that told them, she was just respecting his wishes.

"Are you okay, Ru?" His mom could tell he was upset, but didn't want to push him.

"I uh, no. We were coming to tell you that you were going to be grandparents. Unfortunately we, uh, we lost the baby." He really broke then, tears falling down his face. His body shook with sobs, like telling his parents was what really made it sink in.

The sound of a chair against the hardwood floors made Beau look up from where she was looking at her best friend, and for the first time in almost five days, a small smile crept against her lips as she watched his mom walk around the table and hold him like he was a toddler again.

She watched him sob in his mother's arms, heart breaking for the beautiful sandy haired boy she loved so much. She could hear Penny whispering in his ear but couldn't make out what she was telling the boy. Finally, Penny let him go, cupping his face gently before coming over to wrap her around Beau, whispering in her ear as well.

"I already told Rudy this but I want you to hear it too, okay? Your loss is a loss no matter how far along you were. You lost your baby, and the circumstances on how you made that baby don't matter because I know you both already held so much love for it. You're both grieving and need each other more than any other time before. You know we love you, we're gonna help you through it. All of your pain is our pain now too. It's valid. Grieve that baby, Beau. Don't hold it in."