When We Were Sixteen || Jeon Jungkook

5 - Age Twenty-One

TW:// Mention of Death, Alcohol.

Twenty-One, I left Seoul for good. My mom thought it was better for me to get out of Seoul for a few months because I was constantly reminded how unhappy I was living here in this city, and I wanted to forget the last five years of my life. A few months turned into a whole year, celebrating my 21st birthday alone was also lonely. I moved in with my aunt who stayed by herself on the outskirts of Busan. Only now, Jungkook seemed to be something out of a dream. He only existed in photographs and memories. 

A few months after Jungkook and I stopped speaking, my father had taken his last days in Seoul. He passed peacefully watching the sun set down in the garden of the home I grew up in. My mom wanted to stay in Seoul where she treasured her memories that were made and where the love of her life spent his remaining years in this house. So, I decided to escape the streets and leave everything behind. 

I followed my father's wishes that year, going back to university in Busan where I made new friends. His name was Jung Hoseok, and he was the most friendliest and carefree guy I have ever met. The way his happiness radiated off everyone else, there was never a bad day around when Hoseok was there. He was always finding new ways to include me in activities with his other friends. 

Hoseok was also an English Literature major, so we had more things in common from what type of book we liked and what profession we both wanted out of this degree. He cared about my feelings and knew what happened to me in the last five years. He was someone who I relied when I needed advice. 

We tried having a romantic relationship with each other, but it didn't work out. We didn't feel that spark between us and we though remaining as friends was good for us. He knew that I still had feelings for Jungkook even though I barely spoke about him these days. My heart remained empty and cold, waiting for something to fill the void that Jungkook left. 

Taehyung was the only person still in my life from Seoul but I didn't tell him where I went. I didn't tell him, but he was okay with that. All he knew that I was safe and trying to live my life as much as possible. At first, he updated me with Jungkook news but I told him I no longer wanted to hear it anymore because it hurts too much to think about him and remember our past that we shared. I wanted a fresh start this year, no heartbreak and no Jungkook. 

Exams were finally over. Hoseok and some of his friends decided to go to a bar that evening to celebrate completing out exams for the year which were extremely difficult. After pulling all-nighters and drink as much caffeine to keep us awake, we were finally able to relax and not care about anything else in the world. 

"Woah, slow down," Hoseok laughed, taking the shot of soju away from my hands. It was the second time drinking since that Summer in Jeju Island and I still couldn't handle my alcohol. "We have been here for two hours and you are drinking that like water, including the other beverages you ordered."

"Why should I?" I said, grabbing back the shot and took it quickly, holding my breath as the bitter taste burned my throat. If I thought about it, it was nice of him to keep reminding me as I ordered more drinks at the bar. However, if I was a bit sober, I would actually listen to Hoseok and listen to him by slowing down on my alcohol intake tonight. 

"At least pace yourself," Hoseok reminded me again as he shook his head. 

"Why should I?" I repeated, straightening up in my seat and trying to wave the bartender to serve me again. "I have not had a drink since that summer. I've earned my wait."

"What happened that summer?" My other friend, Rena asked. Rena was one of Hoseok's many friends before I moved to this town. She was nice, and extremely smart which studying medicine at university. 

"I kissed my best friend at some bonfire party," I said with a drunken smile across my face, as I poured the soju that was sitting in front of me into a glass. "He acted like it never happened but that's when I had this huge crush on him. Why do I like him so much? He doesn't even know I exist anymore. He doesn't even text me to see if I was okay."

"Ouch," Rena replied, running her fingers through her long dark hair and exchanging glances between Hoseok and I. "You never told me what happened in the last five years."

"She doesn't need to talk about it." Hoseok stepped in quickly, shooting a glare at Rena.

"I fell in love," I sighed, leaning forward and placing the palm of my hand under my chin and stared at the empty glasses in front of me. "I fell in love with my best friend and I miss him but that's my fault. I told him we couldn't be friends anymore."

"Why don't you speak to him? Amend things." Rena asked.

"I don't want to talk to Jungkook," I answered stubbornly as I glanced over at Rena. "He's engaged now, he doesn't need me. Who the fuck gets engaged at twenty years old? He's still a child."

"Is that why you moved here?"

"Yeah," I shrugged, resting my head on the table. "I've got nothing going for me in Seoul, just heartbreak and Jungkook."

"Okay, I think you have had enough for tonight. Let's go home," Hoseok said, getting out of his seat and grabbing me by the arm.

After stumbling towards a taxi, I felt like I was going to throw up but Hoseok kept reassuring I wasn't going to throw up. We eventually got to Hoseok's apartment where I tripped over my own feet and fell flat on my face. Usually, I would've cried from embarrassment, but I was far to delirious and pissed to understand what the hell had just happened moments ago.

I heard Hoseok release a loud sigh and sat on the ground beside me. I rolled over onto my back, finding no reason to stand up. Giggles wracked my body once more, but it suddenly stopped when I was staring at the white painted ceiling above me and it was just silence.

"Why doesn't anyone love me?" I asked, muttering under my breath.

"What?"

"I just want to be loved, is that too much to ask?" I said sheepishly, my eyes closing slowly. "I just want to stop feeling this way. Feeling so unhappy with myself."

I could hear words muttering in my ear before I blacked out. There were no memories of that night. For once, I felt numb inside and the only feeling I had the next morning was a rough hangover and a bruise on my knee.