Jaan

Part 43- No Way

How do I make him understand without feeling miserable and breaking down in front of him?

How?

***

For about a week, it felt awkward between us. As if we were both reflecting on our lives while silently living under the same roof.

I wanted to ask him so many things.

Aren't you going to go back to work?

Aren't you busy?

Don't you have other things to do?

But, I couldn't ask them. I was afraid he might take it as an apology which is not. Yet, I know I need to apologize.

Although, I took care of him while he was unconscious, even if I cried all the tears of my heart and soul it does not change the fact that he probably woke up expecting me to be by his side and I wasn't.

I feel like shit for that. In order for me to put a full end on us, I have to keep giving him the silence treatment until he gets tired of it. Which I hope he will.

He would sleep on the couch or follow me around the house while I clean, decor the rooms, cook and take care of myself. It's like he's taking care of me while not doing anything but just making sure I am okay.

It breaks my heart that we have to be this way. It really does. But once again, I cannot risk this one.

I was making diner when my phone rang as I stopped what I was doing to pick up the call.

"Hello" I answered.

"Hello, am I speaking to Adalina?" the lady spoke.

"Yes that's me" I confirmed.

"I was calling to confirm our appointment tomorrow morning..." it was the clinic where I took an appointment online.

I have my first ultrasound tomorrow although I know my baby must be just a little bean. They also need to run a few tests to make sure everything looks healthy.

"Who was it?" He finally spoke.

"for an appointment" I replied.

"I'll go with you" he said.

"There's no need" I declined.

"As the father, I will be there" he insisted.

It's not like he was wrong but still...

I made my way to him standing in front of him as I was waiting for him to look up at me.

"When are you going to leave?" I asked him.

"I'm not leaving, you should know that by now"  he said keeping his attention on his phone.

"Why aren't you looking at me when I'm talking to you?" I asked.

He suddenly got up facing me as there was only inches apart from us.

"Because I am controlling myself. Looking at you won't help me keep doing so." He said.

"Controlling yourself?" I asked confused.

"You heard me right" he said walking past me before making his way towards the bathroom.

What does he mean? Ugh.

And I'm not done talking. Once he was out of the bathroom, I stood right in front of him stopping him from going anywhere.

"What are you doing?" he asked keeping his gaze away.

"I am serious. When are you going to leave? You've been wearing the same clothes and it's been a whole week already." I said.

"You really are trying to make me leave and then disappear again? Well, guess what? It won't happened." He said.

"You have to go Aslan. Stop insisting and just-"

"I'm not going anywhere Adalina. Listen, I don't know what I did. Alright? The least you could do is explain to me what I did. Why would we have to leave each other this way mostly at this most important time of our lives. You just keep on pushing me away and I don't understand why. I've lost my mother, I almost lost my life, I'm about to loose my- ...why do I have to loose you as well?" tears almost made their way out as he was speaking from his heart.

Ya Allah, I feel so bad.

He was about to walk pass me when I stopped him by grabbing his arm.

"I'll give you my reason" I finally said.

He's right. He has the right to know.

We sat in the living room across each other as he was waiting for me to speak. I was a bit nervous.

"I..." come on Adalina. I got this.

"I don't want to risk anything. You, almost dying made me realize that this is not how I want to live my life. I tried to understand you. I tried to accept you as who you are but Aslan...you've been protecting me for almost six months now and you even risked your life. You almost...lost your life. And, all I could do was watch as you were unconscious in sorrow." I stopped talking for a while as I needed the time to take a breath.

"I don't want our child to live the same way either. I cannot let our child live in such a way. I cannot risk my life no more. And if me being out of your life keeps you safe and our baby safe as well...then I am ready to put an end to this." I added his eyes never leaving mine.

"It's what I do the problem. I knew that...it's all my fault." He sounded upset.

"Don't blame yourself. You didn't choose such a life Aslan and I know that." I said.

There was a moment of silence before he spoke.

"I'm going now. I don't know when I'll be back but I'll be back." He said getting up as I got up as well.

"Wait...where are you going?" I was afraid. Why would he suddenly decide to leave?

"I will be back, don't worry" he reassured.

"But..." I grabbed his arm stopping him from going as he turned to face me.

"I promise I will be back. Promise me to take good care of yourself while I'm away." he said kissing my forehead.

Hesitatingly, I nodded although it was impossible for me to not be worried.

Silly me, I've been pushing him away and now that he's finally leaving...I want him to stay?

When it comes to love, I can never make up my mind to anything.

***

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