𝒮𝒽𝒾𝒻𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 (BNHA x OP!Fem!Reader) (PAUSED)

26 - Reflections

That short burst of depression and anxiety though, I could feel it wasn't the last.

I turned on the water and the steam immediately fogged my mirror. I slowly slid off my clothes and stepped in, one foot after another.

The water was burning, practically boiling but I didn't flinch. It was weird. The pain, the pain felt good. It distracted me from everything that had happened. I let the water burn me as I continued to shower my muscles aching as I stood there silently.

Even if I cried at this point I wouldn't have known for the water was already scorching my face. 10 minutes, 30, an hour, maybe 2, I stood there without a thought in my mind. Zoned out. Forgetting my troubles.

When I finally came back I shut off the water forcefully and dried off my body. I stepped out of the shower and unfogged my mirror with my quirk. I stood in front of it and studied my figure. I noticed that there were now bruises, scars, cuts, and burns that weren't there before. Most of them didn't even make sense considering I wasn't hit there and I was on offense back at the USJ.

Then my reflection changed... instead of my (e/c) eyes staring back at me, they were replaced by a pair of brown ones. Akemi's eyes.

"Is it... terrifying?" Akemi asked me, her face soft with longing and a smile that seemed fake.

"No, I don't think so. It's the way it is, you know?" I replied, starting to tear up again. I understood her question. She meant not just the overwhelming fear of being trapped here, but the fact that the people I loved and cared about in the real world were suffering because of the condition I was in. I was causing them pain and had no way to undo it. I was utterly useless on this side of the psychological war.

"Everything must come to an end, the drip finally stops." With my words a single drop of water fell from the shower head and rang throughout the ceramic room.

"See you on the other side?" Akemi asked, her voice cracking.

"See you-" I couldn't bring myself to finish the sentence. I realized that I'd finally lost it. Whether that image was a figment of my imagination generated by insanity, or an unconscious use of my quirk it didn't matter. The fact was I was lost. Me. My mind was lost.

I remembered the feeling of the burning water on my skin and how good that pain felt. So desperately I made a knife appear in my hand.

I stared at the object, debating on whether or not I should actually do it. My hand was shaking as I held the handle of the metal object.  I mean, I'd seen enough videos and movies about depression and what not to do. I've read on and watched people's stories on the pain these marks left behind. But not the psychological pain.

So I cut.

The blade met my skin and I dragged it across my bicep. The pain was soft, the actual cut didn't hurt but when the wound met with the air a mild stinging engulfed the wound. Bright red liquid began to slowly fall from the wound. The warmth from the blood felt nice. So I cut again. This time deeper and longer.

This hurt more but the pain was bearable. It felt so good. In fact it felt like it was washing away the guilt I felt. I seemed to think that this was the best option, that it was repaying the sins I'd committed. Yet though sins weren't mine to take the blame for. But I did. I blamed myself for everything that happened, the fact that I didn't help Aizawa sooner even though I knew it would happen.

Cut

The fact that I was useless when that thing attacked All Might. And most of all I came to the realization that on the first day I'd seen Izuku for real I stood by and watched.