PECULIAR (✓)

1. New Opportunites

Graduating from university was bittersweet to say the least.

I was excited to step out into the world as an adult, but while I knew how the real world worked theoretically, practically I was inept. No experience other than awkward two minute conversations, though I do admit I'm surprisingly more comfortable speaking on the phone than others, I just don't enjoy the energy it takes for 'small talk.'

My friend used to complain that she disliked how 'deep' our conversations got, we occasionally joked around, but me being a philosophical person, I just personally enjoyed analytical talks about books and lectures we took, whereas she enjoyed things outside of academia. 

She was a dramatic and romantic person, things I struggled to understand. She was the type of person to rant about her crush of the month, but I didn't mind listening, I never did.

I don't blame her for drifting away, but it was always painfully obvious that it was because she was flourishing with more like- minded people. It started out with her going to clubs more, binge watching random TV shows, all things that are fine of course but not my thing, respectively.

I kept saying no, so she gradually stopped asking and inviting me, to eventually stop talking to me all together.

8 years of friendship disappeared just all that.

I think about her a lot. She's social and always had quite a few friends during school, but we were always the bestest of friends, as we put it. I don't think that title really meant much though. It didn't hurt when she drifted away, which surprised me. I was actually quite happy for her. But that didn't mean I wasn't occasionally envious of her new like-minded friends, wishing the same could happen for me.

Even throughout university I didn't make friends, I just liked to keep to myself. But my mother was convinced that I was a sociopath, but just didn't understand I felt comfortable being by myself. Even at parent-teacher meetings, my mother wouldn't care about my grades but rather how social I was, as it's apparently more important to have friends.

The answer was always the same though, just Nicole... But now there was no Nicole I could hide behind to let do all the talking, I actually had to show others and myself that I was not boring. Her new friends were anything but boring, but the few times I did hang out with them I just sat quietly unsure of myself. Even questioning whether I was breathing odd, my insecurities driving me crazy.

They were quite loud and enjoyed the more illegal substances of life, but when I declined to join in, I was called cute and shy... I have admitted to being shy sure, but I am definitely not cute. But when I voiced my reasons for why personally I don't want to do it and they could go for it, they all saw me as a mood dampener.

It was clear the culture difference between us. I was from a family of lower class and my attitude towards drugs was developed from being around desperate people who got exploited into the game whereas they were excited to show their new gear as they called it, and thought of it as a bit of fun so to speak.

It wasn't until the blue-haired girl called me PECULIAR that cemented the fact that it was clear that these were not my people.

But this new job will change that. A museum. The only true happy place other than the small cafe named Rosa's or my room. Stereotypically, a library should be a happy place, but I find the quiet quite unnerving. The quiet allows my thoughts to become louder, choking me into submission, to keep quiet and stay alone forever. Rosa's Cafe is my favourite place to study and read and is actually close to my workplace, which makes the museum even more appealing.

My red satin blouse I've chosen for my first day makes me sigh in defeat... Everything I did felt like a pathetic attempt at acting like an adult. Red was normally my happy colour, but even today I was feeling unsettled, but what else could one expect on their first day at work. But I smiled at my choice of wearing my black trousers. Mother had tried to convince me that a skirt would have suited better, but I liked knowing that I didn't have to listen to her anymore so I chose the trousers.