out of sync

3.

I shot her a glare over my shoulder before the last ounce of patience left my body and I relented to ask, since she wasn't offering,

"Which one is our 'unrideable' little pony?"

She was full-on cackling now, "Raven is not a 'little pony'. He's in the last stable on your left. I'm going to get Fletcher ready, meet you outside in 20?"

"I get to ride Firefly?" I grinned, bouncing on the toes of my riding boots.

In lieu of a response, she swatted her hand in my direction while she walked further into the yard, and I giggled to myself as I peered over the door of Raven's stable.

The jet-black horse was calmly feeding in the far corner. When I unhitched the stable door, the only reaction he gave was to turn his ear toward me, so I wandered past the rest of the stalls into the supply room to find a grooming kit so that I could tack up Firefly.

When I returned, Raven had finished with his bucket and stood at attention, almost like he was waiting for some sort of confrontation. He was attached to the wall by a lead rope, which I found to be quite odd given that he was supposed to be at rest. The first thing that I did after approaching and allowing him to smell my extended hand was unclip the rope from his headcollar, and as he turned to face away from the wall, he seemed much more tolerant. I pet his snout gently, introducing myself and babbling mindlessly under my breath so that my voice would become familiar to him. He shuffled away from me slightly when I ran my hand down his neck and towards his side, attempting to examine him.

"Got it, we just met, I'll mind my business," I reassured him, retreating to my original position to continue to stroke his head.

He seemed to enjoy the attention, so I retrieved a small, soft brush from the grooming kit to try out brushing his face. My swivel between grabbing the brush and turning back to him caused his head and ears to raise high, quick to return to his guard. I chuckled, offering him my hand so that he could invite me first before touching him again. Patience would be the key to his growth, and I was fine to leave if this interaction had met his limit for the day. To my surprise, he approached again and accepted the face brush happily, not at all head shy. I was able to clean his entire face and forelock with no incident.

After bidding Raven farewell, I scampered off to quickly groom and tack up Firefly and meet Mia. He eagerly greeted me at his stall door, moving to rest his head over my shoulder almost immediately as I approached. I felt lightheaded from the spirit and familiarity of it all, especially after the last two weeks of desolate withdrawal. I allowed myself to lean into him for a moment, feeling the warmth from his neck and his breath on my back while also making sure that I wasn't actually dizzy. It was hard to trust myself lately, but I knew this ritual forwards, backwards, with eyes closed, or one hand tied behind my back. It's possible that complacent comfort was the reason that I had no clue as I readied Firefly that morning how much our ride would affect me—launching my head and heart into a cascade of emotions that I was nowhere near ready to feel.

——

My mind was being pulled in a million different directions, threatening to unravel as I tried to push through the day. A week and a half had passed since I visited Bright Fields with Mia, and she was very open about the fact that she was more than displeased with me for not returning.

This morning, she had made a point to have a loud conversation with Susie outside of my closed bedroom door.

I can't believe this, you're bailing on me, too? she'd spat down the phone. What is with everyone leaving me to ride by myself? Between Melody and now you, I'm going to end up on some lame pony trek with Becky and Bob!

I'd attempted to use my pillow to block out her voice; my head throbbing from lack of sleep and chest aching from Mia's not-so-subtle pursuit to rile me.

The day continued on in a similar fashion: I forced myself to go on a walk, just on the road to the house, as I hadn't left my room for a few days. Despite the completely clear skies when I departed, the sky cluttered with clouds and rain drenched my light summer clothes about six minutes in. Returning home cold and even more annoyed, I retreated to a warm shower, figuring nothing could go wrong there.

When I'd finished and put on my coziest sleepwear, my phone displayed a missed call and voicemail from my mother; her first contact since I'd left home. Her voice was distant and emotionless, which I'd grown used to. However, she also scolded me for not reaching out to her or answering that particular call; the icing on the worst possible kind of cake.

Now, I was once again being pushed to my limit by Mia, who was cruelly dawdling inside the yard. Elliot had brought me along to pick her up, insisting that we both go in his car in case it decided to rain out of the blue again, and so that we could go straight to the pub for a meal that evening.

"We've been waiting for a half hour, come on." I called to Mia, standing just outside the entrance to the paddock. Moments later, two young riders rounded the corner with Firefly and a second horse, one of them shoving Firefly's lead rope into my hand. Before I could snap at them, the kid was running towards the tack room, giggling all the way while their friend disappeared into a stable with the other pony. They must have mistaken me for Mia, which had never bothered me when we were younger, but today was not normal. Everything was too much, and everyone was too inconsiderate. I was doing everything I could not to throw a full-blown tantrum in the yard.

What is wrong with everyone? What is wrong with me?

"Mia!" I warned, stepping as far away from Firefly as I could while still handling his lead rope. He had approached my side for an ear scratch or nose rub, missing my usual affection.

Too much, was all I could think. Get out. Any way you can, get out.

Just as Firefly bucked under my arm, again asking for a pet or cuddle, I squawked and threw his lead rope to the ground. I cut the corner again to leave the yard, nearly hurling myself into someone who was coming from the opposite way.

"Hey!" a voice shouted after me, but the sound was muffled, as if my head was underwater. I couldn't even feel my feet stomping on the road towards the entrance, running for the first time since I could remember.

Get out.

Out. Out. Out. Out.