A/N Please don't judge us too harshly... These were very hard and confusing times. This chapter isn't pretty and was very hard for me to write because of all the emotions.. Its also not edited yet.
I started having contractions for about a week before my baby was born, but they were not consistent and would always have me being sent back home. Starting on a Friday, my back pain was really bad and the doctor made an appointment for that following Monday to talk about inducing my labor since I was getting pretty big and it was almost time anyway. Saturday night after setting up my new bed I decided to go to sleep because my stomach was hurting. Throughout the whole night the cramps got worse and around 5 am I finally had enough and told my husband that he needed to take me to the hospital that I was in active labor. Funny thing is, even though I was in extreme pain from the contractions coming every 5 minutes, we still stopped and got breakfast burritos at Whataburger before going to the hospital. I would take a bite then grip the seat and try to breathe through the pain until it passed. After getting admitted and checked I was told that I could get an epidural and believe me I was ecstatic! Most women say, “I want to be tough and do it natural.” NOT ME! I knew what labor and delivery was like having an older daughter. My husband always said “Don’t worry babe, I don’t want to see you in pain like this, I know you’re tough”.
A few hours later the nurses kept coming in and adjusting the monitors and watching for a while. Then they told me they were having a hard time keeping the baby’s heartbeat. I wasn’t concerned because I knew that babies moved a lot making it hard to track. After turning me on my right side I heard frantic beeps and the nurse calling out for assistance and quickly pushing me over to the other side. Starting to worry, I asked if everything was okay. The nurse looked at me and said “The heart rate is dropping rapidly and we are going to prep you for a c-section. Your doctor is already on the way.” Words cannot express the fear I had at that moment. My mom and husband rushed to my side telling me not to cry while trying not to show their worry, but I could see it in their eyes.
I have never had surgery before and my biggest fear had been to feel the pain of being cut into. Silly now, since the fear of losing my baby was even bigger. Everything became a blur of activity, everyone rushing around, shouting orders, helping my mom and husband get the scrubs on and keeping my waiting friends and family away so that they could work. Everything was like a loud buzzing noise and all I could hear was a nurse counting. It was odd how she would count to ten then start over and go to fifty and then start over again. I continuously cried and started shaking from fear. I couldn’t lose my baby! My husband kept his eyes on me the whole time. Not once looking away and telling me it was okay and that he loved me. My mom was on the other side of me holding my hand and also telling us that everything would be okay.
Before I knew it I felt like someone put an elephant on me and then quickly took it off. A distant cry was heard about a minute later. Evalyn Michelle was born at 2:20pm on February 21, 2010 at 5 lbs 12 oz. I don’t think I have ever been more relieved at that point in my life. Things get a little hazy afterwards but when the nurse brought me my baby wrapped up in a blanket, my vision was blurry and my mind was fuzzy. I thought I saw something on her face. The nurse kept saying in a thick Mexican accent that I had a beautiful baby! I turned to my husband and said “Something is wrong with her face. Look at her lip” but by then they were already taking her to the nursery to clean her off and evaluate her. My husband said “What do you mean? I’ll go with them.”
Once in the recovery room while the medicine was wearing off they brought her to me. When I looked down at her I was shocked. She had a big gaping hole on the left side of her upper lip making her nostril lay flat. I’m not proud of my first thoughts but Ill share them because they were what I really felt. “This hairy funny looking baby can’t be mine! They made a mistake! I’m seeing things…. She’s…. ugly…”
I stared at her for the longest time hearing everyone say “she’s beautiful! Don’t worry they can fix that I’m sure!” and all I could think was “STOP LYING!! What’s wrong with my baby?” My husband disappeared and a steady stream of friends and family kept coming by to see her and congratulate me and the whole time I kept quiet. The nurse was watching me closely, seeing how I was struggling to hold in my tears. I was ashamed of thinking I had an ugly baby, I was confused about what was wrong with her, I was lost, I wanted my husband but knew that he needed some time.
They put me in my own room and again brought me Evalyn so that I could feed her. I looked at the nurse and said “How do I do this?” she looked at me and said “I don’t really know… let’s just put the bottle in her mouth and see what happens” My husband was silent. His face set in a stony expression, not showing any kind of emotion, letting me know that he was just as upset and confused as I was. While putting the bottle to her mouth Evalyn opened her eyes and looked at me. That was the moment I fell in love and forgot about what she looked like. Those big beautiful blue gray tinted eyes that all newborns have blew everything away. Finally, a nurse brought in this funny looking bottle and told me that it was called a Haberman Feeder and that it was made for babies with cleft lip and palate. I just nodded and watched her show me how it was put together and how to use it. Feeding Evalyn was definitely a challenge for me so I told the nurse to do it. I was afraid, afraid of feeding her, afraid of her, afraid of failing.
A doctor came in a while later and introduced himself to me as a local ears, nose and throat specialist. He looked at Evalyn from afar and took out a card on my bed and said “come see me in 6 months and we’ll fix talk about fixing her.” Then walked out. I looked at my husband and said “That’s it!? What are we supposed to do in the mean time? What is cleft lip and palate? How do you “fix” it? How did she get it? What the hell!?”
He said “I don’t know but we’ll find out. We’ll look it up”
The following two days I would question any and everyone about cleft lip and palate and would get very little information. My husband was really distant, he helped me with Evalyn when she was in the room because of the pain from my c-section moving was difficult, but to me, he was unemotional and cold. Looking back now, I see that he was just trying to sort out his feelings and understand what was going on, but instead of turning into an emotional wreck and crying all the time like I was, he turned into himself.
Evalyn was not even a full two days old, and I was already stressed out, emotionally drained, and above all the most confused I have ever been in my life. Why? Why did she nearly die? Why does she have cleft lip and palate? Why me? Why her? WHY!?
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My "Cleftie"
Non-FictionWhen my little Evalyn was born, everything I thought I knew was out the window. I don't think that there was one thing that wasn't unusual, even during my pregnancy. I'd like to share the journey we had with her, with all of you. I'm not an expert...
