Rainfall Chronicles: Amelia Reinhart

Chapter 11: My Most Grievous Fault

They'll be funding me — making sure that I keep due on my promise. I don't doubt myself... I know what I'm doing. I care about both of them, I truly do... but my ambition is more important. I just wish I could convince myself to see that.

It's going to be okay. I know it will be... it'll all be worth it.

They called me. They have everything ready.

I pray to God that it'll all turn out okay."

...

"I... I did it. I lost everything I had... all for this. Just like they said, I disappeared without a trace. Nobody knows who I am, and nobody will know what I have done. I played along with it, and... it's over.

Why am I even recording this...?

...Who am I kidding?— It's all because of the words she told me before leaving.

I was so sure I was ready to do this. I convinced myself over and over that nothing was going to persuade me to have second thoughts... but as she told me how fearful she was that we were going to die... after telling me all of the hopes and dreams she's had of the future with her baby...

Goddamn... I can't stop replaying those moments over and over in my head. And what'll I do if she finds out what I'm really trying to do? I don't think I could ever show my face to the public ever again.

I recently had a talk with my wife... heh, of course she's furious — who wouldn't be after their husband walks out on them like that?

I... haven't told her, nor my family on exactly what I'm doing. All they know is that... I've been gone a long, long time. This isn't about just me anymore... it's about the safety of the future. If all those premonitions were true, then what I'm doing here will be for the greater good of the whole world.

I just wish that these mistakes will only haunt me, and nobody else involved. What would I do if my family got involved with this investigation...?

I just hope that this all stays under wraps. I know if this all comes to light, everything I've ever known will be over. I'll just continue doing this, and it'll all be over...

The rain is going to stop soon... I know it will. It will stop because of me... this is how I'll reach the top.

Right now, the child is in the other room. Christ... what the hell am I doing? She's barely old enough to run. I hope she doesn't grow up and remember any of this... her fate had already been decided. I hope she comes to terms with this when she matures...

I'm going to have a secret meeting with the UHN. At the very least, I hope they keep true on their word. If this was all for naught, then I-

I don't even know anymore... My life has been spiraling without meaning for as long as I've remembered. Maybe, figuring all of this out will give my life the meaning that it needs.

I think I'm going to go to bed. I just need some time to think all of this through. If this were anybody else aside from me in this situation, they would break immediately... even him.

I can't think about that just yet. I have to remain focused on my goal.

I'll come back to this tomorrow... I-I don't know anymore..."

...

"Entry Number 9:
The device is acting up again. I had to stay up for God knows how long because of her crying. Please, don't give me that... I could barely hear my own thoughts from my own tears. 

She's doing it again. She's had another fit, and the rain began to act up again. I know that I can figure this out... her power is just too much for me to handle. My theory was correct: it seems as though her strength only increases with experience.

Every day I try to manifest it, it becomes even more powerful. It's about her origin — I know it is. That's really all I have to say for that... I say that it's getting more and more powerful, but, as the days go by, attempting to harness it becomes more and more difficult.

Anything else... oh, yeah...

I told my wife... that I'm conducting experiments. I didn't tell her it was on a child, but, still, she's infuriated with me. She's wondering why I take this into more importance than her... who can blame her?— I'd hate myself, too...

Every night, I have nightmares about Amy. Every time I try to bring her up, the auditors brush her off. My worst fears are becoming worse and worse the more they try to avoid answering my questions. I hope she isn't hurt... I pray to God she isn't hurt.

What the hell am I still doing here, anyway...?

My mistakes are piling on and on... not just from back home, but, now they're all coming back to torment me all these years later. This is the path that I had chosen for myself... so why am I just now having doubts about this?

I have committed a countless number of sins in my lifetime. I've accepted this in my head so many times, and it seems like nothing could convince me otherwise. But here I am now: wallowing in my own guilt and sorrow... it's all their fault.

Heh heh... I think I have a clue as to why it's like this now. 

It's all because of Amy.

This woman... made me feel like there was something more to life than what everyone else has decided for me. She's made me see that, maybe— just maybe— that there's a different path that I could have undertaken.

I blame her... it's all because of her and her child that I've become... sentimental. She just had to go ahead and overcomplicate the linear course my life would have gone. And now, everything she's loved and known— everything I've come to known!— is all gone; all gone in the underhanded clutches of greed and avarice...

But I am no better... everyone is most likely died because of my foolish actions. Do I wish to revert everything if I could...? No, no I don't... I've gone too far in this now; I'll only become more of a coward if I throw in the towel now of all times. 

I've acknowledged that I am going to the deepest trenches of the inferno when I pass on. There's a special place down there for the wicked like me. No amount of guilt will ever account for the sins I've committed. There has been so much... too much pain in my story. It's all my fault that he's dead... it all started with him.

Honestly, I'm on the verge of ending it all. I have nobody to come home to, nobody who I can say I love, and nobody who can say that loves me. The only thing keeping me going is the prophecy of that stone... if it really is true, then, maybe... my burden will be lifted — not from repenting, but from the fact that there will be absolutely nothing left... no guilt to be guilty for.

...Jesus, fuck.

This entire recording has been so morbid. I thought talking into this thing would relieve some of the guilt, but it's only made it worse. Why does it have to be this way...?! Absolutely nothing has ever made me feel alive, and nothing's ever going to change! I don't deserve any of the blessings given to me...

There are genuinely good-hearted people out there in the world; why are they the ones who need to suffer for the benefit of those in power?! My past will never escape me... they will regard me as a legend, but those who know the truth are the ones that matter to me the most...

I'm a fraud.

Nothing but a lying, piece of shit fraud.

Everything that's going to happen in the coming decades is all my fault. I'm not just going to bring myself down, but everyone and everything I hold dear with me...

I deserve an eternity in the darkest recesses of hell.

Do not absolve me of my sins.

I don't deserve your mercy.

Please, I pray to the ever-loving, forgiving God...

Don't forgive me.