Kill Me, Kiss Me

THIRTY NINE

      "LOVE?"

      The depths of Keir's eyes deepened, but there was no shock, there was none of the arrogance Theo had expected. Instead, in their place, there was only the crashing tide of something soul-wrenchingly sore and raw. It drowned him. He never knew Keir could make an expression like this. Even when he'd talked about Alexandr, even when he'd reached out, fingers sending ripples through the pool of their blood, his gaze had not been this full of... sorrow.

      Sane.

       In this moment, Keir looked even sane. Gone was the caged beast who knew only to kill, to vent the rage of being locked up. Gone, was the man who could only fall between anger and despair. Sorrow softened the sharp cut of Keir's brows, the harsh line of his lips and transformed him into a person who knew how to feel. There was too much helplessness in the gaze Keir regarded him with.

      Theo's breath hitched, and he blinked painfully. How many more masks were there? Had he finally reached the last one? If only he could look away. He couldn't bear this. Because this spoke of more than just the Hew family, more than just Murray and the endless spiral into darkness. How could he bear this when he could barely endure all of that? Did Keir know what he carried in those eyes of his?

      Stop exposing yourself like this! Stop tearing your flesh and ribs apart so that I can see that bloody, wretched but still-beating heart of yours! But Keir could not understand, and Theo could not make Keir understand. Keir's lips were still half open with the thin gasp of air trailing "love.". Those eyes remained unguarded and full, so full. How could he even explain it to himself that anymore of this man would be too late, would be no turning back?

      Because it'd already been too late from the moment he'd uttered those words: "Before time runs out, let's see who falls in love first." Only Theo knew, there was no time limit. This game could continue all the way until eternity and still, neither of them would win. Or rather, he would never let himself lose. On and on and on, this stalemate. He shifted his fingers, sweeping past that mole on Keir's temple until they hovered, a wall before that heavy gaze, covering it. Finally, he didn't have to see it anymore. Finally, he didn't have to acknowledge its presence or its meaning.

      Even if there was more meaning behind it, it didn't matter. It couldn't matter, for the sake of his sanity. Theo grit his teeth, falling deeper into the touch that gripped his shoulders tight, tighter. Could he go back and take back what he said?

      "Actually." He started, "Just for—

      Keir wrapped his fingers around Theo's hand and slowly, inch by inch, lowered it from his eyes. The gaze that found Theo's again had not yet completely returned to normal. There was still a lingering tinge of softness amidst the mockery - not as cold as it could've been, should've been. Or maybe it was simply that he'd grown too used it, for him to not feel its sharp bite. But he should never forget.

      Never forget.

      The hand on his shoulder started rising up his neck, stroking the band of his collar, the bump of his Adam's apples, the soft skin beneath his jaw until Keir rubbed the tender skin beneath his eye with his thumb.

      "You'll never win." Keir said simply, "I'll give you a chance to change your mind this time. Bet on something else."

      Something else? The urge to laugh suddenly came over Theo, and laugh he did.

      "Are you scared Keir?"

      Keir looked at him for a long while, thumb pressing down harder and harder until Theo could almost feel the lines and curves of Keir's fingerprint carving into his skin. Harder and harder, that gaze calcified, and for a moment Theo saw a flash of resentment directed at him as if accusing him, 'You made me like this. It was you who made me cold and hateful. I could have been kind. I could have been compassionate to you.'