fuckboy

chapter iv

Y/N's P.O.V.

"Well, don't you look hot?" My head whipped around to find Chris, bottle of beer in his hand, snapback low on his head. I was never one to like this particular look in a guy my own age, and so I definitely shouldn't like it so much in him, but boy did he make it work.

"Well, I aim to kill," I joked, winking at him and accepting his hug before awkwardly averting my gaze when he let me go, wondering how to behave around him after the conversation we'd shared via text.

It felt like I knew him too much, but not at all at the same time. I didn't know where we stood - I didn't know where he wanted us to be, so I was prepared to just follow his lead, if he had any idea where to take this at all. He was the one who asked me if I was coming to this party, after all.

"Uh... I think I'm gonna go grab a drink," I pointed towards the kitchen, from where I could see people flowing out with red cups, but before I could leave, he gripped my wrist and pulled me on the opposite direction, across the house and into the backyard, stopping for only a moment to assess the small groups of people gathered her and there until he found an emptier, darker spot behind some trees.

"I promise I'll show you a good time later, but first I need to apologize." The second those words left his lips, I relaxed, at last understanding what was going on. "God, I was a real shithead to you that night, and for no reason at all!"

Shaking my head, I couldn't help but interrupt him. "That's not true, I barged in on a conversation I had no business participating in, and acted as if I knew you already. It's understandable that you got defensive."

I tried to ignore how his sheepish smile had my belly doing flips. Seriously, what was up with me? Only Chris Evans could have me behaving like I was a teenager again. "Well, I am sorry, I could have been more mature about it."

Shrugging, I mirrored his expression. I wasn't about to disagree with him, not when that was actually what I thought. Again, I understood what had happened - the weird conjecture of circumstances that made him spill over that night, but had he been more mature about it, none of that would have even happened in the first place.

"Yeah, well... I just hope you understand now that it wasn't a quip at you in anyway." I wanted to make it clear. "I don't think there's anything wrong with the... lifestyle you're pursuing." And then, after a few seconds of thinking, I added, "... even if it's not necessarily the one I would naturally go for."

I wanted to grant him the point that I truly wasn't all that different from what he had gathered. We'd both rushed to conclusions over the other's character, and while they weren't fair, they weren't completely baseless, either. He seemed to ponder over my words too, hands buried deep in his jeans as he stared at me with eyes I couldn't quite read.

"But you're not against it?" I took a deep breath as I tried to figure out just what was going on here, eyebrows furrowed but I still smiled at the man before me. His question confused me, mostly because it felt like there was a real doubt, a different one, hiding behind it.

"No, I'm not against it," I decided to say. "I mean... I'd even like to be able to have sex without any sort of strings - that's what I'm hoping I'll eventually learn if I continue using that app," I winked at him, taking delight in the way he chuckled, but then the truth hit me and I had to avert my gaze, staring into the distance, where the sounds of the party were coming from.

"I just don't think I'll ever fall in love again," I finally admitted to myself, blinking a few times to stop any tears from appearing. "It'd just suck if I could never have an orgasm given by another person too."

He chuckled again, this time making me unable to look away from him when our eyes met. Suddenly, the mood had changed, and I shifted from one foot to the other with uncertainty as to what was happening precisely.