In My Blood

Seven - The Weight

"Are... you alright?" Justin raised an eyebrow.

"I'm fine." He closed his eyes, before whipping them back open so he didn't sink into that darkness again.

"Uh huh. Are you sure, man? You don't look so good."

"I'll live." His night had been filled with nightmares, and he'd spent most of it thrashing and screaming, sweating and crying, before he'd waken up.

"Well, come down this way. I've booked a recording studio."

"Okay." He followed, rubbing a hand over his heart.

Justin wheeled around suddenly. "I know what's going on," he said softly. "Stop trying to hide it, Shawn. I see you, I see through your happy act. I can help you, but pretending it's not happening- doing all this, faking it, it isn't going to do you any good."

Shawn bit his lip nervously.

"Let's go inside first," Justin said, eyeing a few people who had poked their heads out of their rooms.

Side by side, they strode into the room, and Justin shut the door behind him.

"What happened yesterday?" he asked gently, sitting down at a table.

Shawn took a seat next to him, shifting his weight. He considered lying, but Justin was too smart for that. "Panic attack." He commanded his eyes not to water, swallowing his tears, and smiling.

"Have you considered looking at the world in a good way? Instead of a bleary sky, what about the grey of something nice? Or the stars watching over you and keeping you safe?"

Shawn leaned back his head, forcing a laugh. He wasn't good with deep conversations. More teasing and joking than serious talks and things that... he knew wouldn't go away.

"Try. I hate to see you looking like this."

"I'll take responsibility for everything I've done, holding it against me like you're the holy one," Shawn sang, attempting to distract Justin.

"I see what you're doing, but if you insist, here we go." He sat down in front of the sleek black piano, which Shawn hadn't noticed. He slowly played a few chords.

Song lyrics struck him, and he sang with the slow chords. "Put me on a pedestal and say that I'm the be-st. Raise me up in-to the sky until I'm short of bre-ath."

"Fill me up with confidence, I say what's in my chest," Justin continued. "Spill my words and tear me down until there's nothing left."

"Rearrange the pieces to fit me with the rest, tear me down 'till I'm gone, and there's nothing le-ft, yeah."

"But what if I, what if I trip, oh, what if I, what if I fall, oh," they sang softly together, the hint of a smile slowly creeping over both their features. "Then am I the monster? Just let me know_ and what if I, what if I sin? oh, what if I what if I break, yeah. Then am I the monster? Just let me know_"

"Wait. Let's do tear me down before rearrange the pieces?" Shawn recommended.

"How about 'spill my words and tear me down until there's nothing left, rearrange the pieces to fit me with the rest?" Justin proposed. "Grab the guitar. Let's do some chords."

Shawn grabbed the guitar.

"I'll copy you. Is it tuned with the piano?"

"Mhm. Let's do a practice warm up. What a Wonderful World?"

"Lead the way." He felt like he could breathe normally. When Justin took things into his own control, it seemed like nothing could get in his way, and it seemed as though he got things done efficiently. Shawn's fingers skipped over the strings effortlessly, and he savored the minutes he got to spend with someone he was a huge fan of.

When they finished the exercise, Justin turned to Shawn. "Let's continue our previous discussion. Quit stalling." He pushed his hair out of his eyes. "Do you know why you had a panic attack?"

"It was too quiet, I guess." He shrugged.

"I remember when I was afraid of the silence. Did you feel like your condo was too big?"

"Yeah."

"Did you feel... alone?" He cringed, but didn't take it back.

"Yeah. How do you know?"

"You're not the only one who has major anxiety."

"You have anxiety too?"

"I'm pretty sure almost all singers have anxiety. You need to relax, man. Your life is a little messed up when you're a celebrity."

Shawn stared into space. He just felt worse. How could he feel so bad when other people probably felt so much worse than he did.

"Don't feel guilty about it!" Justin said sharply, snapping him out of it. "You're not supposed to feel bad about having anxiety. That's just going to make it worse. No wonder your panic attack- well, I'm assuming - was so bad. You need to just stay in the present. Focus on yourself a little. Like, when I was a teenager, I became a singer, and the temperamental teenager me took complete responsibility over what I felt at that time. You need to trust other people."

"Well..."

"Like, you wrote a song about not giving up. You can't slip through that void."

"Which song?" Shawn asked, clearly puzzled.

"In My Blood."

~

"Thanks for inviting me to have lunch with you."

"I'm not going to let you play victim to depression again."

Justin's apartment was clean and white (tbh I have no idea what it looks like, so I'm just making guesses here), the windows were just a tint blue, the rugs in the perfect position, the pictures perfectly centered, but they had so much colour, Shawn had to smile.

"Well, still, thank you."

He shook his head sadly, eating another bite of his lunch. "What's your happiest memory?"

"How am I supposed to choose? I've got so many."

"First one that comes to mind."

"Recording Something Big. I loved the way it was just so loud, and the choreography was sharp and defined."

"I see that."

"Maybe the tour with Austin Mahone."

"When you met Camila?"

"Heck, ya."

"Do you remember falling in love with her?"

"Are you jealous?" Shawn teased, laughing. "Our romance is so popular?"

"Well you're really cute together..."

"Hey, I needed inspiration for my songs."

They continued talking, laughing and taking turns playfully shoving each other, and occasionally standing up to mock each other. It felt like everything that had been holding Shawn down had lifted, just during that morning with Justin. It seemed more bearable now. The sparkle in his eye had returned, and he felt his heart thrumming with happiness.