Across the Hall | L.S

Chapter 29

~ Harry's POV ~

I am scared. 

Scared of falling asleep, scared of letting Louis go even for a second in case he changed his mind and left again. Scared of finding myself sitting on that ledge again ready to end everything. So I silently laid there clinging onto the small boy, who was asleep next to me, for dear life.

Hours went by while we both laid there, Louis asleep and me silently panicking next to him. My heart was beating erratically and my breathing was accelerated, I could feel myself breaking out into a cold sweat but I didn't dare let go. 

I couldn't let go of the only thing that was keeping me tethered to this world. 

So I laid there quietly, with what I was pretty sure was a panic attack, but I just suffered it in silence, trying to will away my trembling hands so I didn't wake Louis up but it wasn't working. The longer I tried to focus on anything else the more I felt my heart rate pick up. 

Even though Louis had told me the words I longed to hear from him, everything just kind of felt... 

Temporary. 

Somewhere deep down I knew his promise was empty, I knew he was going to leave again and the thought of that was eating me alive, literally. My skin was prickling with fear as I laid there with a clenched jaw so tight I felt my teeth may shatter at any given moment, but I refused to move. 

Why am I feeling this way? 

The seconds turned to minutes and the minutes tuned to hours, all while I laid there trembling in silence feeling like the walls of my large bedroom were closing in on me, and the only thing that seemed to be helping was the steady heartbeat I could feel coming from the boy next to me. 

I tied to focus on anything but the thoughts I had pulsing through my head, I focused on the sound of the rain hitting against the window and the way Louis smelled. If I closed my eyes and focused on just those two things while taking deep breaths then I could calm myself. 

So thats what I did, I closed my eyes and breathed in Louis calming scent that I had missed so terribly all those nights that I had spent alone, crying into his voicemail and begging him to come back like the pathetic loser that I am. 

I'm not sure how long I spent doing that but when I opened my eyes back up, there was light cascading into the room through the window. My hands were still trembling but my heart rate had slowed down a little bit making me feel a little calmer. I was grateful for that. 

When I had woken up yesterday morning without him next to me, I had thought that it had been my brain playing tricks on me again like before but then I smelled his apple shampoo on my pillow and knew that he had in fact spent the night with me but had chosen to leave me again. 

The tightness I felt in my chest knowing that he left me again was too much, knowing that he didn't care enough to even say goodbye this time was suffocating me and I knew that I absolutely could not go through another day being drowned by my own emotions. 

I tried to stay in the little oasis I had created for myself, but even just laying here I could smell his shampoo and every where I looked in my room I could see past versions of the both of us sharing little moments. 

Seeing those moments play out in front of me felt like someone had wrapped their hands around my windpipe and were squeezing as hard as they could. I couldn't breathe so I grabbed my keys and ran out towards my car, ignoring everyone I had seen along the way. 

My mind didn't even register the heavy rain that was coming down, I just needed to be anywhere but that school, the school that held some of the happiest moments in my life but also the school that was slowly draining my life force away, day by day.