Calculus

16. (Tobirama)

"You want me to what?"

"I am sorry. It's tradition."

I just stared at the king, mouth agape, as he walked to me where I stood clad in my loose, black trousers and velvet tunic, my sword at my side, dressed for the wedding. He put a hand on my shoulder.

"I know you love him. And I'm sorry."

Suddenly, I couldn't take a second more of it.

"Then why do you force him to marry!?" I screamed at the king. I knew what I was doing was highly illegal, that I could lose my life for it. But I also saw the king soften. Instead of softening me as well, it infuriated me even further. "You're too weak! You're kind and loved but in reality, you're a coward! I don't care if your cowardice forced you into a miserable marriage. But when it forces your son into one, I do care! How dare you?" Tears were streaming down my face, but the shame I felt for myself because of it was nothing compared to the one I felt for the king. He couldn't meet my eye. "And now... Now you want me to..."

"I'm sorry, my son", the kind said again. "It's part of your job as his personal guard."

He left.

I knew he wasn't angry with me.

He was angry with himself.

Izuna's wedding was absolutely beautiful.

The dining hall had been polished to perfection, the wooden floor glistening. All of the fabrics had been exchanged to black velvet, and at the front, where the princes were to be wed, were several large trees planted, weighed down with lanterns. It looked like a dream. 

It looked like a dream and I hated it.

But most of all, I hated the oriental crown prince that was going to marry the man I loved.

I hated him because he was beautiful, strong, competent, with dark hair and warm eyes, and clearly interested in Izuna. When he laid eyes on him in the doorway, to which I stood close, before the two of them started walking down the aisle together, he took Izuna's hand, placed his lips on it and looked at him with great respect. Izuna looked confused, but not entirely displeased. I hated Izuna a little for that, too. 

I walked behind them to the front, were a priest wed them. I looked down, pretending I was somewhere else, until they were declared married. It felt as if someone was taking away a part of my soul. 

The party was festive, the food delicious. Izuna was counting his food again, his husband next to him, apparently not minding at all. I could hardly eat a bite. I wished I could drink instead. I truly wanted to waste my mind tonight, so I wouldn't understand what I would have to witness later, what the king had asked me to witness, what it was the duty of the crown prince's personal guard to witness. I wanted to drink so much it made my brain wet, removed the stickiness of it so nothing would latch on as a memory. But I couldn't. I was on duty, so I couldn't drink more than a cup of wine.

Izuna came up to me at the end of the party. I couldn't bear to look at him, so I looked away.

"Remember my personal request when you were initiated?" I didn't answer. "Answer me", he demanded.

"How could I ever forget?"

"Then look at me."

I did.

And as soon as I turned my face to him, he put his little hand on my cheek.

"I know what you're required to do. I'm sorry."

"Please, don't mention it", I begged.

"But I don't know what to do!" Suddenly, I realised how terrified he was. I hadn't even considered it. "With you, it's different! I know every corner of your soul! You know every corner of mine! I don't want this..." His voice had changed to a whisper. "I don't want to do this. Please... Please don't let my mind fade away during."

I took his hand then, squeezed three times.

"I will be with you all the way", I promised. "Just never stop looking at me."

I went behind the two crown princes, their only company. They were to bed each other in the main guest bedroom, me watching over, as was tradition, then sleep separately, as was also tradition. I was clenching and unclenching my fists, hating the entire situation, wishing I was drunk as the prince of the orient opened the door, let Izuna enter first before he followed. He undressed him slowly, as if Izuna was a frightened animal that needed to be dealt with carefully, me a way away, watching over them. It made me want to shove my fist into his stomach and pull his guts out. Izuna stood regal, not excited but not unwilling, either.

That was until he was penetrated, which happened without any time or preparation at all.

It was terrible. It was well and truly terrible. I wanted to look away. I wanted to look away with all my might. But I captured Izuna's eyes, as I had promised, comforting him as he was done from behind. I could see he was in pain, that he was panicking, that he wanted to run, that he really, really wanted his mind to go blank. But I kept him tethered down with my gaze, fulfilling my words. As his husband's pace increased, so did my hatred for him. He was taking something away from me. It should've been me behind Izuna, bedding him for the first time, gentle, caring, making it all about him, not at all about myself.

The jealousy I felt was insane.

When the prince finished himself, he pulled out, pulled Izuna to him.

"Fetch water", he said, his knowledge of our language limited. It took me eons to realise he was referring to me. I almost spat at him then. How dare he treat me like a servant? Izuna never treated me like that. But then I realised I was a servant, and he had no obligation to speak better to me. I left, fetched water, gave it to Izuna.

"To me?" he said, turning his handsome face to me. He was holding Izuna, who just looked confused.

"No. For Izuna", I said.

"To me", he commanded.

"Go fuck yourself, you motherfucking and fatherfucking cunt", I said.

He didn't understand a word of it. 

That night was the first time we shared bed since we got the news of his marriage.

He wasn't to share bed with his husband until they travelled to their new home, as was custom, so we had crept into each other's embrace in my bed as his husband had taken a guest room on the other side of the castle. 

"Far away, otherwise temptation", he'd said to Izuna with a wink, to which Izuna had only frowned.

"I had undressed so I was naked, and my warm body could provide him comfort. He had stepped out of his wedding attire and clad himself in soft silk before joining me. I sat up so he could curl up in my embrace, and I was slowly stroking his back.

No words were spoken that night. We hardly slept. We still couldn't believe everything that had happened. How could we belong to one another, we asked, not out loud, when circumstances were as they were?

I pressed him closer, and he put his arms around my waist, squeezed three times.

I didn't want to fall asleep, because waking up to this nightmare would be even worse than just being awake in it.