Calculus

15. (Izuna)

To be fair to my father, he had been very calm and understanding about it.

To be fair to myself, I had done well, keeping a straight face until I left the room.

He had called me to him, which was rare as he usually came to my rooms, and I noticed my mother wasn't there. He was sitting in his favourite couch, his colours now matching its colourfulness after having being drained from life for so long since the death of his first-born. He gestured for me to sit down on the couch next to him. I did.

"As you know, your name is highly popular", my father said. "You've turned twenty-four, and you have many suitors." I didn't know this. "Izuna, I know you're in love, but... We've found someone for you to marry." Someone took the ground from beneath my feet and pulled it away. "You're getting married next week."

The person I was marrying was the crown prince of the oriental east. It was, according to tradition, preferable to marry a woman to bear children that were descendants of both parents, but there lay prestige in marrying someone from abroad, especially someone from somewhere as exotic and vast and resource-rich as the east. The prince was the son of the king, part of an incredibly wealthy family, and he was first in line to the throne. I would leave my home behind and move far, far away to be by his side, as part of the agreement. My father paid a hefty sum of money for this move.

My father said he understood how I must feel. I sat straight-backed, said I understood, which was true. What bothered me was that I knew it was my mother who had spoken for this. My father, I knew, would do anything to keep me by his side, as he loved me and had already lost one son, and was also aware how much changes in scenery and routines bothered me. My mother, however, still loathed me and wanted me far away so she could pretend she had no son. I was hurt my father hadn't involved me the way he had promised that day we waited for his soldiers to come back from war.

I had tried to accept my fate yet, when I came out into the corridor, my pace increased more and more until I was running, desperate for comfort from him. He must still be asleep, not being a morning person, so I rushed into our rooms, desperate to wake him so that he could save me from this nightmare.

"I'm getting married!" I had wailed, shattering both of our lives, and the one we'd created together, to pieces.

He had held me. I felt myself stiffening up; it felt like I was cheating. On my current lover or my future husband, I couldn't tell. Tobirama had held me gently, showing me it was okay if I wanted to leave his embrace, but that staying and taking comfort was okay, too. I stayed. Of course I stayed. 

To the day I would tell him I was leaving, I would stay, just like I had promised.

I avoided Tobirama at nights from then. It didn't feel right to sleep next to him anymore. I didn't even sleep in my own room, taking a secret guest room instead. He understood what I was doing, so he kept a respectful distance from me at dinners, when he was assigned to guard me, not following me afterwards.

Until the last evening before my wedding.

When I walked out of the dining hall, he followed, helmet still on. I found him indescribably hot in armour, even when he covered his face with his visor. It gave him an aura of mystique.

"Izuna, please", he begged, causing the echoes of my boots to die out in the stone hall outside the dining hall. "We don't have to share bed! But please, let me breathe the same air as you for one more night of my life!"

I didn't turn around, felt my shoulders tense up. Then, I walked to my room. I heard him follow, just like I wanted. Just like he knew I wanted. 

"Stay there", I commanded as we came in through the door.

I went behind the screens in one corner of my large room with the desk. I knew it allowed the shadow of me through, showing him my silhouette. He didn't move a muscle as I pulled all my clothes off my body, until the only thing left on me were my rings. I put on a light silk robe and made a loose knot with the ribbon around my waist, then walked out from behind the screens, ignoring him as I went to my bedroom and lay in my bed. He followed, but stopped in his room, and I could hear him slowly remove his armour, piece by piece, his breathing pace increasing before he lay down in his bed. I could hear him touch himself.

We fell asleep in separate rooms, desperately aware of each other and the love between us.

I woke on my wedding day, and the room was empty of him. 

I stretched, and then got up and started to get ready. I showered before some court men came to help me. I hated anyone touching me except Tobirama, so I let them do my hair, but insisted I would dress myself. I donned black trousers and a long, black shirt, sewn especially for the occasion. But the main piece was the cape that trailed behind me. It was wade in thick, black felt, embroidered in an oriental pattern as an homage to my future husband. Despite the clench at my heart, the warmth and weight from the cape comforted me, and I was grateful for it. I suddenly missed my big brother terribly, and contemplated the strangeness of the fact that none of this would be happening if he was still alive.

There was a knock on my door then, and Tobirama entered. As my personal guard, he was bound to stand by my side as I got wed. He looked incredible, his hair not in its usual mess but brushed neatly so it fell over his forehead. His red stripes were beautifully painted on his face, and he was clad in black trousers and a black velvet tunic which was strengthened by steel. His sword was at his left side, as he was left-handed, which I had learned when he fucked me with his hand, tied around his waist with his usual leather belt.

"Leave, please", I said to the court boys. "Thank you for your help."

And so we found each other alone, for the last time before I became a married man. I couldn't take my eyes off him; he was so handsome. And he obviously couldn't take his eyes off me either, hungrily drinking me in. I bit my hand harshly, turned round. He came up to me, breathed out a little in my neck, the air from his mouth hot and humid.

"You look striking", he said.

"I wish it was for you", I whispered.

"It is for me."

He pressed his body to mine then and shoved me into the wall, my belly to the boards, his belly to my back. My cheek was pleasantly crushed. I could feel his heavy breath in my back, causing my knees to go weak so I could hardly stand, but standing wasn't needed considering how harshly he pressed his groin to my back.

I could feel his erection.

"You will be so far away", I whispered.

He grabbed my cheek, turned my face around, kissed my lips with his tongue.

"You're the one who will be far away", he retorted. "I'll be right here."

He started crying softly then, straight from his heart. I let him, pressing my back even closer to his chest. He took my hand from behind, entwined our fingers.

"Promise me to never leave without telling me", he begged.

"I promise", I said. "You promise the same."

"I promise" he said back. "I fucking love you."

I didn't squeeze three times.

This time, I used words.

"I love you, too."

I knew it destroyed him.