Kook King

Clean

I absolutely dread work the next day. As I get ready in my uniform, I pick up my phone and text Ava and Deirdre about my worries. They're understanding, immediately responding with supportive messages. I smile, but it only helps a little. I know I'm going to see JJ, and I know he's still upset about last night. I hope that at least by now, since he's no longer drunk, maybe he won't be as angry.

I think about what I'm going to say the entire ride to work. The sky is grey and I can hear thunder in the distance, threatening rain. I parked my bike in front of the Country Club, took a deep breath, and headed inside. Only, JJ wasn't there. At least, he wasn't behind the counter getting drinks ready for people where he usually is. A part of me feels relieved, but I scan the room searching for him. He's not serving anyone at the tables.

I get to work, focused on what I need to do, but also always keeping an eye out for that familiar shaggy, blonde hair. An hour must go by when I finally begin to relax, telling myself that JJ probably took the day off. I may have to deal with him tomorrow, but at least I can forget about it for now.

And then, as I'm moving around the counter to bring a full glass of mai tai to a middle-aged kook across the room, I nearly bump into JJ. I freeze when I look up to see him. He stares at me, but not in an angry way like he did last night. I wait for him to say something, but he just keeps walking. I watch him move around the counter and jump into work, as if I'm just a stranger he accidentally bumped into.

Back behind the counter, I stand beside JJ as I make someone a drink. I'm on edge the entire time, like I'm waiting for something to explode or a glass to break. Then, "I'm sorry."

On instinct, I blurt, "What?"

JJ and I look at each other. "I said I'm sorry." He wipes his hands on a wash cloth and tosses it onto the counter. "I left you at the party because I was angry. You shouldn't have used me like that-"

"-I know-"

"-but I shouldn't have ditched you like that, either. I'm sorry."

I should be the one apologizing, I think. But of course JJ is apologizing, even when he had every right to ditch me at that party. It was wrong of me to kiss him to make Rafe jealous, especially when I should be moving on. I shouldn't care about Rafe and some girl-- not when he cheated on me.

"Oh. JJ, I... you shouldn't be sorry," I mumble, ducking my head.

He steps forward, placing his hands on both of my arms. "No, no. I should. I mean... I get it. You're still getting over Rafe. You need more time. But... do you have any feelings for me? At all?"

I bite my bottom lip. I can't lie to him-- I don't want to. "There might be... something there."

"But you're not ready yet?"

I shake my head, and we continue on with our work. Throughout the day, though, Rafe haunts me like a ghost. I must walk by his usual table a hundred times and he crosses my mind every single time. Then JJ would smile at me from across the room and it felt like a rubber band snapping against my wrist. How could Rafe talk to me like that last night? I only ever heard him talk like that to other people; guys who stare at me a little too long at the gas station or grocery store or parties, people who didn't give him the amount owed for his weed, but not me. Never me.

I don't hate him, but I don't feel as strongly about him as before. Now that Rafe and I have been broken up for weeks, I've noticed just how attached to him I was. What did I even do before we started dating? How did I spend those countless hours in the summer between work and friends? Despite the danger of being with Rafe; the drugs, the gun, the bad impulses, I had fun. Now, though, it's over. It has to be.