Kook King

Let Go

I become conscious again in the midst of vomit coming up my throat. Tears well in my eyes and my chest hurts. It all spews into an empty, blue bucket. I feel hot, I feel tired, I feel weak. My hair is matted and sweaty against my neck and forehead. I have no idea where I am, but when I'm finished, I lie backwards on a soft bed.

My eyes flutter closed again when I hear my name. Someone grabs my arm and my face. "Y/N. Y/N? Baby, please wake up. Y/N, talk to me."

I open my eyes to see a blurry Rafe inches from my face. His strands of hair hang in front of his forehead. For a moment, I completely forget everything that happened. "Where am I?"

There's a small smile on Rafe's lips. "My room."

I gently sit up and look around. There's Rafe's desk and his messy drawers with a purple T-shirt hanging off the side, his bag he took to Miami in front of his closet, and his sneakers by the door. I relax, knowing that at least I'm somewhere familiar, somewhere safe.

Rafe grabs my face. "Oh, thank God. You're awake. You're okay." He pulls me into him, wrapping his arms around me tightly as if to never let me go ever again. "I was so fucking worried."

"Rafe, I'm okay." My voice is muffled against his chest as I push away from him. As much as I love his hugs, I remember that we're broken up. He cheated on me. I took pills because I was sad and wanted to just sleep. And now I'm here. Back in the exact same room he cheated on me in.

But Rafe looks... happy, as he pushes my hair back and kisses my forehead. "Please don't ever do that again."

"Wait. How did I get here? How did you know where I was?" I wonder if I called Rafe. Did I? Before I passed out? I can't remember passing out or the moments leading up to it.

"Sarah called me," he says. "They found you passed out at Barry's."

My brow furrows. "Sarah found me? Who was she with?" I already know who Rafe means by "they." The only people Sarah would be with are JJ, Kiara, John B, and Pope, her pogue friends.

That's exactly what Rafe says, except when he mentions JJ, there's an edge to his voice and he stops smiling. I sigh. "I should go."

I start to reach for my phone on the nightstand when Rafe grabs my wrist. "No, you need to rest. Stay here."

I ignore him, looking behind me out his windows. It's getting dark out now, the sun barely breaking through the trees' leaves. "What time is it? How long was I out?"

Rafe stands there with a rumpled shirt and caved shoulders. "Eight o'clock. Most of the day."

I stand, dizzy for a moment, and slip into my shoes that Rafe must have taken off.

"Where are you going?" he asks, urgently.

"Home." I scan the room with my eyes to make sure nothing else is left here. It's not like I'll be hanging out in Rafe's bedroom anymore.

He grabs my arm as I try to brush past him. "Y/N."

"Don't," I warn him. "Not again. Let me go, Rafe."

He stares at me for a long time then drops my hand. I know he expects me to change my mind, to come back to him, but I don't. As soon as I'm free from his grasp, I hurry down the stairs and out of his house, probably for the last time.

***

It's been nearly a week now. Summer is coming to an end. A slow, painful end. I occupy most of my days by lying in bed or moping around my house with a blanket wrapped around me at all times. I do go to work where JJ constantly keeps an eye on me-- he even followed me to the bathroom once and stood outside to make sure I didn't try anything. As much as I appreciate his concern, it's suffocating. I wasn't suicidal, but he doesn't really believe me, and I can't even mention Rafe or else JJ will nearly explode.

Ava and Deirdre have heard about what happened and come to check on me right away. "Oh my God, what the fuck happened?" Ava asks, her eyes wide and crazy.

Deirdre hugs me tightly. "We were so worried about you, Y/N." Her voice is soft, a whisper.

"You guys broke up?" Ava says, and she really does look concerned despite how much she dislikes Rafe.

I nod, my eyes filling up with tears.

"What happened, Y/N?"

I tell them. About Rafe's craziness, about my fighting with Rafe, and how things ended between us. By the time I'm finished, I'm crying all over again. I've settled down on a nearby chair in my house. My friends glance at each other. Then Ava says, "You'll find someone better. I promise."

I don't even want to start thinking about someone new. A part of me over the last two weeks has held onto a small hope that Rafe and I will somehow get back together, but how can I do that? I can't forgive someone who cheated on me.

My friends stay for a while, until they see me smile. Then I'm alone again until my parents show up. That night, JJ checks on me. I'm crumpled up on the couch in my blanket watching a movie in the dark of the living room with my mom. She answers the soft knock on the door. For a moment, I wonder if it's Rafe.

Then I hear the voice. "Hi, Mrs. Y/L/N. How are you?" His chipper voice echoes off the corridor walls.

"I'm doing well, thank you, JJ. How are you?" My mom sounds like she always does when people stop by, even though it's almost ten o'clock; chipper and energetic.

I can see JJ's smile as he responds, "Pretty good! Uh, is Y/N home?"

"Yes, yes, she's right in here. Come on in."

I look over to the doorway as my mom and JJ appear. It's strange to see JJ here in my house with my mom just across the way. He looks at me and breaks into a smile. "Hey. Came to check up on ya." He gently pinches my knee cap then sits beside me on the couch. "How are you?"

"I'm okay," I say, softly. I've barely spoken a word all evening.

JJ drapes an arm on the couch behind me. I can feel my mother's gaze burning into us. It makes me nervous because I know what she's thinking-- hoping. I look down at JJ's hand in his lap and frown. "What happened?" I gently touch the skin beside a new wound on the back of his hand.

"Oh, work. I cut myself when I dropped a glass."

I look up at JJ, studying his face. I look for the cut on his lip, the one Rafe gave him when they fought, but it's barely visible now. Gently, I reach up and graze my thumb across his bottom lip. JJ stares back at me and smiles softly. At some point, my mother left the room, probably on purpose to leave us alone. I can imagine her grinning to herself in the kitchen. She's always liked JJ.

"We miss you at work, you know," he says.

"Yeah, right." I push his face, playfully, but smile. I know JJ is lying because he's the only other coworker I really talk to.

"Okay, I miss you at work." He nudges me. "And I miss hanging out with you."

I nod, staring down at my toes. "I know. I miss that, too."

JJ's smile fades. "But?"

I look at him. "But I need a little more time."

He doesn't seem thrilled with this, but he says okay, and then we sit there together watching the TV in silence. My mom never comes back in. At some point, I hear her soft footsteps head up the stairs. I'm not sure if JJ notices, but I do think he knows my mom left us alone. He stays until the movie is over and then I peel the blanket off of my shoulders and follow him to the front door.

The air is hot and humid with fireflies blinking behind JJ as he steps onto the front porch. "Hey," he says, turning back to me. "I'm glad you're doing better."

Maybe it's because I'm still sad over Rafe. Maybe it's because of what JJ said, or maybe I just subconsciously want to sabotage myself, but I step down, out of my house, and kiss JJ right on the mouth with my hand in his hair.

When I pull back, JJ smiles. "What was that for?"

Honestly, I don't know, but for the first time in a while, I'm honest. "It just felt right."