The Boy with the Chestnut Brown Hair

CHAPTER 32

"I'm sorry, Kane. If only I knew," he lamented, still not taking his eyes off the road. He hadn't even looked at me once in the past few minutes. "I was so scared of getting my heart broken, but I ended up breaking yours."

I stared at my red mini backpack on my lap as I felt a slight tightening in my chest.

I had been hurt when Vino avoided me and he started going out with Lanie. Honestly, I was jealous of her. I knew everyone in our squad knew that. How things had ended between Vino and me was such a big disappointment, but I never wanted to cut him out of my life. I never resented him for what he did. I just wished I knew the reason why.

But his explanation and apology were too painful to hear. I never thought knowing that someone loved me would ever hurt my feelings.

But with Vino, it did.

He had loved me, and he didn't break my heart because he didn't love me. It was because he thought that was the right thing to do. No matter how much I tried to focus on it, the damage had been done.

I had spent time hurting, and now I realized that we were both hurt because of the things we had said before. But most especially because of the things we had never said.

It was the things that were left unspoken that hurt the most.

"You breaking my heart was more terrifying to me than having to speak in public. I'm really sorry, Kane."

I lifted my head and looked at him. I gave him a tiny smile in spite of the crushing pain I was feeling inside.

"You should've talked to me," I mumbled.

"I should've. But a good friend told me, for a smart guy, I don't make the smartest decisions sometimes."

I could only think of the friend he was referring to.

"But if you come to think of it, it was my fault. I never told you how I feel about you."

"No, it was never your fault, Kane. I made a mistake, and I regret it. I regret it now more than ever."

"We should've confronted each other. You never answered me when I asked you what was going on. Maybe I should've tried harder."

I watched Vino and gauged his reaction. His eyes were still focused on the road, and he gripped the steering wheel tightly, his knuckles turning white.

"I know. I'm sorry. I was a stupid teenage boy," he asserted, and I noticed his breathing was still shallow, and he looked like he was grasping for air. "And I understand why you decided not to confront me when I started going out with Lanie."

He slowed down the car even more. We were only going at about 20 to 30 kph. He was stalling.

"I was hurt. What did you want me to say? That you're an asshole?"

"If that would make you feel better..."

Of course, I couldn't confront him back then. I couldn't even lash out at him when he started going out with Lanie. I was hurt and scared, and I wasn't one to confront someone. As much as possible, I avoid arguments. I did try to get him to talk, but I gave up easily.

"I guess we were both scared," I said instead.

We had lost what we had because we were too scared to tell how we feel.

"I still love you, Vino," I blurted out.

To my dismay and embarrassment, he just remained silent and kept his eyes on the road. He reached for his water bottle and took a sip, but still didn't acknowledge what I had said.

Maybe it was how he had felt for all the times he told me he loves me and I never responded. I probably deserved this.

"Please drive me home already," I whispered.

I covered my face with my hands and began to sob. My body shook as tears streamed down my cheeks. I couldn't believe that I just admitted my feelings for him, and all he could do was keep quiet like he hadn't heard me.

I thought not telling people how I feel was the problem why they leave. Gab had broken up with me because I didn't try hard enough to show my love for him, and Vino had assumed I didn't love him because I never told him.

If this is what I would get for admitting my true feelings, then I would rather not show how much I care. I could use some dignity and save myself from this kind of embarrassment.

Or maybe it was just too late for Vino and me.

I should've met him halfway in high school. I shouldn't have wasted my chance back then.

Vino touched my arm, handing me his handkerchief, but I shook my head. I took out my plaid handkerchief from my bag and wiped my cheeks and dabbed my eyes as I stared out of the window.

I didn't know whether I should feel relieved that we finally talked about us or feel regretful that it took us so long.

"Kane, please stop crying," he whispered as he turned left on a corner street. "I didn't mean to put the blame on you. I wasn't—"

"Please stop the car. I can walk from here."

"What? I can't let you walk alone. Your house is still a block away and it's the middle of the night."

"Stop the car, Vino," I requested, and my voice sounded harsher than I intended to.

He stepped on the brake and parked the car in front of a closed store. He gripped the steering wheel as if he wanted it to crush in his hand. I watched him shut his eyes and took a sharp, deep breath, before gazing at me.

The color drained out of his face, and his eyes glistened as he stared at me.

"I'm sorry," he faltered.

"Please stop apologizing." I shook my head and added, "It's becoming annoying."

I opened the door and stepped out of the car. A light breeze blew, making me shiver. I looked around and there was a lamp post at the end of the street, its light flickering. If it had been a different night, I would be creeped out by that lamp post.

But not tonight. Nothing could scare me tonight after what had happened in Vino's car.

"Thanks for the ride, Vino," I murmured and stared at him holding the water bottle in his hand. He only held my gaze without saying a word. He was unbelievable.

This night was supposed to be a great night, but just like that, things had changed again.

With a heavy heart, I closed the door and walked away from the blue Chevelle. Vino and I should've done it years ago. Maybe it was just me who was hoping there could still be the same spark we had before.

But Kane, I loved you.

I could hear Vino's voice in my head. At least I knew that Vino did love me back then. At least I knew we loved each other at the same time. It was my only consolation, and maybe this was our closure.

This was how things were supposed to end between us.