Feeling Blue | ✔️

She lies on the bed in the semi-dark room, unmoving, glaring at the ceiling.

Weak street light dances on the walls, revealing the residues of glue and tiny dents caused by those small plastic stars she loved looking at so much as a child, right before she'd fall asleep. 

She doesn't about those winking stars anymore. She doesn't even notice the walls that surround her. "Is mom really gone, forever?" Bells ring in her head. "Will I never hug her again?"

She buried her mother today without shedding a single tear. 

Yes, it hurt. But her heart has constricted, her eyes have dried up. There is no more water in that well.

Oh, she wants to cry, to unleash the Grief beast nesting in her chest. Oh, how she wants to cry! Instead, she can only stare at empty space. 

And think. Thoughts swim in her head; large, small, adorned with question marks, with exclamation marks, green, red, gray, blue. Mostly blue. 

She tries to comfort herself. She did as much as she could, after all. As much as she knew.  

Oh, my God, this pain is unbearable! 

That wonderful listener, her refuge and those mild eyes have left her forever!

There was almost half the city present for the funeral. She didn't know most of these people. But they knew her. It seemed to her, maybe, they knew her better than she knew herself. 

One by one, they approached her, expressing their condolences with firm and less-firm handshakes. Her hand hurt terribly by the end of it all. 

"The woman who understood heartbeats of ordinary men," they said about her mother. 

And to her ... To her, she was just her mom. Mom that she loved a lot. Mom that is dead. 

She stares at the darkness, unable to move. One question constantly pops up at her, buzzing like an annoying bee, bearing a sharp sting of pain. 

How much did she actually know her mother? Truly knew her?

There were moments when her mother would quietly knock on the let's-get-to-know-each-other-better door, but she'd never open it  for her.

Dammit, she was young. Too preoccupied with herself and her own worries.

***

Once she browsed through mom's old black and white photographs and saw one of her mother's photos from her teen days.

"Oh, wow, how beautiful you looked!" Words simply flew out of her mouth before she could give them a second thought. 

"Ah, yes, honey, I was quite the catch. All the boys pursued me." Her mom giggled, placing a palm over her crooked teeth. "You know, I wanted to become an actress."

She stared at her in disbelief. Her mom, an actress? She couldn't possibly imagine that. 

"But, I was late for the audition of a local film I wanted to act in, and later, got a job as an engineer." 

At that moment, her attention shifted to some other photos, and that let's-get-to-know-each-other-better door quietly closed. 

On the second occasion, she cried in her mom's embrace, because of her excessively wild nature, and problems she had been causing at school, as she thought, arising from that fact.

"My daughter, I used to be so shy, incredibly shy. Actually I still am. Shy." Her mom told her then. "But this is why you have to learn from my example. How, you may wonder. Don't follow it.  It doesn't matter if you're wild, different, or disobedient. You gotta do you. Fuck everybody else." 

"Did you just say 'fuck?'"

"Oh yes I did." 

She stared at her mom, surprised. She wasn't sure if she was more surprised by the fact that her mom used to be very shy, or by the fact that she just heard her mother swear. 

Then the phone rang. Her friends called so she went out, leaving mom behind. And that let's-get-to-know-each-other-better door quietly closed for the second time. 

Why didn't she stay? 

Why didn't she listen? 

Why didn't she ask? 

Maybe through getting to know her mother, she would have gotten to know herself little better. Maybe she would understand. 

But she was just a wild kid back then. Just as she still is now. Trapped in the illusion of role-playing. Never aware of the passage of time. Time she never made for her mom. For the moment when she would be the first one to peek through that let's-get-to-know-each-other-better door.

Who knows what magical world would have awaited for her there, full of wonders that can only stem from the experience of two souls truly touching.

And her mother? She always had time to get to know her. Even if her let's-get-to-know-each-other-better door was stubbornly closed, her mother never stopped knocking. 

Until she would open it reluctantly. And then her mother would be sitting next to her, diving into the depths of her soul, illuminating its darkest parts. Her mother was her light bringer. The only one who truly knew her. With all her dreams and nightmares, rises and falls. 

Was she feeling guilty? That little worm of guilt must have tricked her, and appeared all of a sudden, unexpectedly, when she was unprepared, and slowly started to nibble on her heart and her soul. It dented her peace and made tiny holes through which a question peeks out: "Could I have done more? Better?" 

And then, it pushes you into the abyss without a warning. You regret all the lost time, passed opportunities, unspoken words, ungiven hugs, unnoticed glances.

Only the precious few manage to save their heart apple-core from the worm of guilt. 

By forgiving themselves, accepting that they truly did the best they could at the that moment. Had they known differently, they would have done something different. 

This is when they realized they really didn't have anything to forgive themselves. 

She did the best she could too. So why couldn't she forgive herself? Why was she still looking for answers no one could give her now? 

"I'm sorry," she whispered to the empty room. "Forgive me for not being there for you. I love you." 

Honey, don't torment yourself. Forgive the past, for the past is long gone. Rejoice in the expectation of the days to come, but don't get too attached. Because that same future you're so happy about, it only exists in your head, too. All you have is NOW. Learn this life lesson, and smile at the present moment. Embrace it, feel it, live it. And the sadness will disappear. Go step by step, day for the day. And be happy. Now, you know better. Do better. Open that let's-get-to-know-each-other-better door. Both someone else's and your own. And have no fear. I will always be by your side. Always.