Daisy II | Levi Ackerman

Chapter 44 - To the Bitter End

854

[Naomi]

There's one thing I never learned about shock until today.

It's that in the second of the strike, when that one event unfolds before your eyes, your cognition spirals in a hazy image, and when it's over and you're weathering the aftermath- you can't grasp on what happened no matter how much you play it again and again in your head. The pain doesn't creep in so soon because your lack of a clear memory of what happened makes you want to first convince yourself that it ever even happened at all.

Maybe that's why victims of assault, disaster, and such, with the deepest trauma- that's why they can't give a full, detailed account of what happened to them. Because the faculty of comprehension weakens, leaving you with almost no recollection of everything.

I'd gone sedated not even an hour into the dead silent flight, with the rest of us so shot down and dejected from the recent loss that we were all trapped in our own mournful minds. I was staring into open space, thinking over and over again, feeling Commander Hanji's presence still, as if they were right there in the cockpit, as if they were right here with us.

And it always stung whenever I had to think that that's not true, and it could never be true from now on- Hanji's gone. I thought I had braced myself for this but I had relied so much on the dreams we built together to keep me fighting, that I didn't realize I wasn't even a tiny bit prepared to lose them.

But it's just as the Commander said, it was their choice- and it was a luxury not all of us could afford: choosing how we go.

For that, perhaps in time, I can learn to accept that it was the best shot at passing away they had. And it's the sole, vital reason why we're all here, still alive, still holding onto a chance to stop eternal demise.

I do hope Hanji did not perceive it when death hit, that they were also lulled into the afterlife by their favorite memory, possibly of the scouts, possibly of us.

My friends were all forlorn. Reiner and Jean were muttering to each other, but even though they were right in front of me, I couldn't understand their conversation due to the loud noise of the propellers and the engine. Armin was in the cockpit with Onyankopon. Onyankopon was the strongest anyone of us who were broken by this occurrence could look like; he was determined, I could tell. He was flying the plane that the admirable person he got along with the most had sacrificed for, after all. Mikasa and Connie sat nearest to the cockpit, eyes closed, at the gates of lamentation. Pieck sat next to me, silent and pensive.

Levi was right here too, beside me, and he'd been awfully quiet since we got into the airship. He didn't shed one tear while I was thrashing in my incredulity, crying hard, clinging to him. How well he'd mastered that composed facade, to show it at the moment his last remaining friend had been taken away from him too. To be strong because we couldn't. I got the notion that if he'd shown he was as hurt, I'd have lost all control.

I was gazing at him as he stared out front without focus, possibly lurking in his gloom as well. He'd lost absolutely everyone that belonged to his past now. His mother, Kenny, my mom, Aunt Celine, Uncle Erwin, and now... Hanji. If I was devastated, then I didn't even want to imagine what he felt inside.

But don't you worry, my love. I'll always be with you, I won't leave you alone.

"You better make damn sure of that." Levi answered underneath his breath, making me realize that I had thought that sentiment out loud. I was probably the only one close enough to hear him, and him to hear me.