Episodic memories

Loneliness

I moved not too long ago, by myself, in a new apartment.

I was so excited, and I still am.

I mean, look at me: paying my own bills, cooking for myself, enjoying my alone time, reading, dancing in the kitchen while doing the dishes late at night—that's when I enjoy doing the dishes the most—doing whatever I want to do in my own space.

I was asked recently, "does it not get lonely sometimes?"

"I mean, yeah maybe," I replied. "But, so far, I'm still happy to be on my own."

I think I had not realized then.

It does get lonely sometimes.

But with like any kind of pain, I tend to push it aside and ignore it.

Doing that will bite me in the ass someday, I'm sure of it.

Let's ignore that for a sec...

Sometimes, when I lay on the couch thinking, or watching TV in the dark, I wish someone would come home to me, being happy that I'm there when they get home, tired from their busy day. Kicking off their shoes and giddily coming to lay down next to me and cuddle for a while, recharging before forcing me to get up and go cook dinner together. Laughing together.

I have a friend who told me multiple times: "why don't you download a dating app? You've been single for almost two years now. Time to get out there!"

And I told her multiple times: "Nah... I'm way too old-fashioned to be on any dating apps, I think. I want a connection. I want to meet someone in real life. Also, guys on there only want one thing, and I'm not looking for that."

She looked at me and sighed heavily whilst shaking her head. "It will get lonely, honey."

"I know," I replied with a small smile.

I know now.