Episodic memories

Bitterness

I always thought that stories about a first love were supposed to be grand, and adorable.

With the inevitable heartbreak at the end.

Mine wasn't like that at all, I feel like.

There were more heartbreaks than anything else.

I was 16. He was older. I was unexperienced. He wasn't.

I wasn't rushed into anything, thank god. We'll give him that, at least.

But I was always so scared and ashamed of answering when someone asked me "have you ever been in love?" because truth is, I was.

I didn't know what to answer because my brain does this funny thing where as soon as I'm out of a bad situation, it puts that trauma somewhere deep where I can no longer access it.

And when I try to think about it and figure it out, I can only remember the bad.

My brain makes sure to put me back in my place, as if it were scared that I thought about going back.

And I only realized years later how many bad things he did to me, probably without realizing it too.

A lot of gaslighting. Emotional draining. Cheating?

To me, having an emotional relationship with someone else counts as cheating.

And then my mistrust towards him.

Anyway.

I've only realized years later that, first loves aren't meant to be perfect.

First loves are not all good things; first loves are bitter things as well.

And that's okay.