Magicians Secret // Big Mouth

1.4 'On' button

Andrew Glouberman

When I started puberty, I thought that Maury was only going to hang around for the last few years of middle school and maybe appear occasionally in high school, like when I lost my virginity. In short, I did not fucking sign up for this.

The guy terrorises me every single day, and I'm a junior in high school. He hangs down from the ceiling now like a bat, just waiting to pounce and climb all over me. He is my leech, my barnacle, the irritating thing that I can't seem to shake loose no matter how hard I try. Although to be fair, I don't try that hard. I am a C-B average student, with only three real friends: Nick, who spends all of his time tagging along to his gorgeous zombie girlfriend, Jessie, who texts her douchey boyfriend pictures she makes me take of her, and Nina, who--

I'm not saying that Nina isn't great, because she is. She makes me laugh, and she's incredibly smart, wise like freaking Yoda. And she is pretty, beautiful in fact. But there's a part of me that's never really comfortable around her. I know it's awful, maybe it's because we share Maury, maybe it's because she wears booby tops, who can really be sure. She flirts with me way too much for my liking, she's pretty much responsible for Maury's diseased presence in my life. And I wish that I could like her like that, and not just find her attractive. I wish I could look at her and really think, god, she's amazing. But I just think she's cool. Like a groovy chic my mom would hate for me to date. 

Last night at Nick's party I was sitting comfortably on Nick's plush couch, sinking into my designated spot I acclaimed years and years ago. Nick was sitting on the opposite end, his luscious girlfriend on his lap, probably crushing him by the the strained look on his face as he shakily attempted to drink from his cup without spilling it down his front. DeVon was sitting next to them, with Jessie beside me, her legs on top of DeVon's as she helped him form a text to Missy, the girl who used to be my dream. I was sitting there, legs apart and spread out so far I was practically lying down at a 45 degree angle. A vape in my hand as I blew rings of purple in perfect circles, watching them float into space and disappear like how my thoughts about dropping out of school and moving to Australia. Suddenly, the looming presence of Nina appeared in the corner of my eye, and before I could say a thing, she was positioning herself onto my lap without question. Nick and I glanced at each other as Nina's arm wrapped over my shoulders and her perfectly round ass sat directly on my 'on' button. Maury didn't even come near me, only laughed from the corner of the room in the bellowing way that he does, finding it absolutely hilarious how easily this reaction comes to me. 

I clenched my jaw and tried to think of anything else, look anywhere else than Nina's chest pillows caressed in a lace black tank top. The thing is, despite my inner self feeling uncomfortable and awkward during these intimate situations, Maury's essence is injected in me, pulsating through my veins like heroine, and I can't help but embody the animal he is. This means that instead of laying stiff or asking her to move, I pull her in closer to me with one arm, and dip my head into her neck to kiss her collarbone. She brushes my hair from my sweaty forehead and cups my face in her hand, smiling down at me. I hate it when she looks at me for too long. I try to like her, how she likes me, because I should. She's hotter than me and funnier than anyone else I know, but I can't bring myself to feel that way with her. 

That's how I get here, the next morning, hiding from her behind a row of lockers, praying that she doesn't enter school through the back door and run right into me. While I'm peering over the blue metal door with awful discretion, I squint as if making my eyes smaller makes me harder to see. Suddenly, there's a tap on my shoulder that makes me jump out of my skin, and Maury yelps from inside a locker. When I turn to see Jessie and Nick, no Nina, I give out an exasperated sigh of relief.

"Jesus, who crawled up your ass?" Jessie laughs, crossing her arms and getting a chuckle from Nick. I look between the two in confusion, for they never seem to hang out alone together.

"Was it one of Maury's furry dicks?" Nick joins her, and the two share laughter at my expense, while Jessie nods repeatedly saying "Good one, good one."

I'm still frazzled, like a coke addict of twenty years with seven long lost children and three strands of yellow hair. Jessie shoves me slightly and brings my eyes back to hers in a sudden shock.

"Jess..." I sigh, hiding my face in my hands and speaking in depressed murmurs, "Can you tell Nina..." I sigh again, "Can you tell Nina to just.. um.. that I need some space.. from her?"

I glance up sheepishly to be met with Jessie harbouring a confused and aggressive stare into my skull. 

"It's just.. she's too touchy feely with me and I don't like her like that... I don't want to hurt her feelings but can you just get her to.. to stop.. please?" I bang the back of my head against the locker behind me and look up at the ceiling while I see from the corner of my eye Jessie and Nick share a glance. Jessie huffs and storms off and I manage to let my eyes fall back onto Nick.

"You're a fucking idiot, man." he says, kicking my foot with his, "Nina's a total babe."

"Hey man, I like what I like." I excuse myself and he shakes his head disapprovingly, tutting as he leaves in slow motion.

Maury rests his head on my shoulder, bumping my head with his ugly horns.

"I'm disappointed." he sighs and then gut punches me as the first period bell rings.