Knockin' on Heaven's Door (Axl Rose)

20: Over the Edge

Axl was sitting on the curb next to me, smoking a cigarette. I had my arms around my knees, and I was looking at the black asphalt, taking note of all the cracks and criss-crosses in it. The fresh air felt nicer than the hospital room. But I still did feel a little badly for almost passing out again. 

"Angel-face," Axl said, "are you really an angel?"

"I've been trying to tell you that over and over again. I thought that you did believe me the first time. I thought you'd always believed me," I replied. "I told you all of that stuff even though I wasn't supposed to."

"You're the worst angel I've ever met." He took a drag. "But is everything that you told me true? Is it really boring in Heaven?"

"It wasn't then. It was Heaven. Now, I'm not so sure." I shook my head. "But I'm probably just losing my mind a little." The wind whipped my hair over my face, obscuring my view of Axl until I brushed it back behind my ear, where it immediately fell out and went right back to covering my eyes. 

"You're not crazy," Axl reached out, putting his hand on my arm. "A little off, but so are all of us. But why are you sticking around? If you failed your mission, can't you get back?"

"I'm lost. I'm hopelessly lost, Ax."

"Why do you call me that?"

"Why do you call me Angel-face?" I crossed my arms, sitting up straight. The wind changed directions, allowing me to see Axl. 

He rolled his eyes. "Because you are an Angel-face. You're cute and innocent and naïve. You're special."

I nodded slowly. "I just like driving you crazy," I answered his question. He chuckled, looking at the sky as he took another long drag of his cigarette. "You're too good for Hollywood, sugar. I've gotta get you outta here. Get you somewhere where you'd be happy."

"I'm happy here with you. I like being with you."

"I'm a musician. You can't stay with me once I'm on tour."

"Why not?"

"It'd be inappropriate."

"Why?"

"You'd be a distraction. You'd take up unnecessary space." He put his hand on my cheek. "You'll be fine on your own for a while, alright?"

"No. You're the only people here that I know." I stood up. "I don't want you to leave!"

Axl stood up as well, dropping his cigarette. "I'm not giving you an option. I've been meaning to tell you this for days. We're leaving for a short tour of the west coast in two days, Angel-face."

I looked away from him. "When will you be back?"

"About a month, maybe. You can come visit me every once in a while, y'know?"

"Great. Where will I stay?"

"In your hippie bedroom at the apartment. You can hold down the fort while we're gone." He smiled weakly. "I'm gonna miss you, too. But you'll be fine by yourself."

That night, I tossed and turned on my mattress. I wanted Axl to be there with me, holding me. I wanted to stroke his soft hair while he told me that he wasn't going to leave me all alone here. I wanted him to kiss my forehead and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. But I couldn't have that. It was my own fault, too. I'd told him I wanted to be alone for tonight. He'd reluctantly agreed. I got up and walked towards the door. I wandered down the apartment's short hallway, finding Axl's door and opening it slowly. Two bodies lay there in the dark, one in each of the room's beds. I walked towards the one on the left, which belonged to Axl, and climbed into bed with him.

He shifted as I moved closer to him, opening his eyes. "Angel-face?" He whispered, sleep coating his voice. "What time is it?"

"Barely four. I can't sleep, can you hold me?" I snuggled close to him before he could answer, putting my head against his bare chest. He sighed softly as he put his arms around me. I felt safe and a little relieved, closing my eyes as I thought about how nice this felt. 

My eyes opened again though, I still couldn't stop my racing mind. I thought that Axl was already back asleep, so exhausted from the excitement of the day. I'd never been all alone in my entire life. I didn't know how to navigate the world without a hand to guide me. And where was God? He was sitting up there in Heaven, knowing how bad it is for me right now, and He's just ignoring me because I've done a few things that I wasn't supposed to do. So much for the reason I live. Tears sprang to my eyes, and I blinked them away. I wanted my sleeping boyfriend to wipe them away for me, but he wouldn't do that anyways. He won't stay, no matter how much I cry.

Even if it hurts to see me like that, if it's his career, it's more important than me. Sickening, you know? I moved away from him again, sitting up and putting my head in my hands. In his sleep, Axl reached around for me. He whined when he couldn't find me, opening his eyes. He took my hands away from my face, seeing my tears even in the dark. He rubbed my cheeks with a surprisingly delicate thumb, drying them. "It's only for a little while. You'll get to see me again, and I'll call you every day. I'll talk to you every second that I don't have to be doing anything else if you want."

My eyes flicked to his, searching for honesty. "You'd do that?"

"I hate seeing you cry. You look like you're in so much pain when you cry." He put his arm over my shoulder, pulling me closer to him. "Look at what you've done! You've got me all mushy and shit all of the time." He clicked his tongue. "You should know how special you are."

"How special am I?"

"I haven't slept with anyone else since I slept with you."

I chuckled. "By your standards, that must be pretty special."

"Oh, it is. You're saccharine, my sweet temptation."

"You get poetic when you're tired."

"I write my best work when I'm drunk or on the verge of sleep." He paused before adding, "or having a breakdown."

"Noted." I closed my eyes. "I'd like to braid your hair."

"Maybe when we get our own place so that no one else can see it."

"When?" I echoed, confused.

"When." He said the word so plainly, as though he didn't know what it meant to me. It was enough to ease any sadness I had about being by myself for a month. It was enough to make me forget where I came from. 

And that's when I went too far.