Splicing of Changes (Editing)

Chapter 63

What I realized is that I have a bad habit of putting people up on a pedestal. And then letting them stay there. Thus, forgetting they are real people, with real emotions and real flaws. Flaws is a big thing I often overlook on these people. Tori is on such a pedestal. She still is. Maybe because of our age difference, or maybe it is because I have imagined doing things with Tori growing up. I lived my life during those years vicariously through my daydreams. And now that I am actually living with Tori, I find it surreal. Then there are things we did together, I always imagined doing. Not that they are something so uncharacteristic for siblings to do. But for me, it was like living one of my daydreams. And thus, she remained on the pedestal. Liz is also on one, but she is not as high up as Tori. It's weird. I think Tori knows this, but we have never talked about it , or she has never acknowledged it. But I think this has been one of the reasons, I had trouble opening up to her, and discussing many things.

Why am I saying this? It's because Maize is on one such pedestal. And not only that I overlook her flaws, or the times we fought but apparently, I try to compare her to people, even if subconsciously or unconsciously. Lee is one such person, who I have compared with Maize. I remember the talk Tori and I had before going to the Miller's residence. I never got time to talk to Lee about it that day. Actually, I did not talk to Lee about it for several days after that. But then, one night after revising, more like I closed the books because it seemed like Lee was about to burst. I pulled her to me and took her hands in mine. I remember the look Lee gave me. It was not a glare, yet it felt venomous. The look itself had fangs and were out for my blood. Only at that time, I was sort of giving my neck to the approaching fang. Such a weird analogy I just thought of. Being couped up in rooms for exams, did this to me, I think.

Anyway, so after giving me the said look Lee snatched her hands back and backed away from me. As if my touch made her feel something...disgusted, angry, I am not sure, but definitely nothing good. She stood up then while I remained on the ground, shocked and hurt from such a reaction from my girlfriend. Yet I somehow, knew it was coming. Not that it hurt any less. Well, I knew there would be a fight or something not that exactly. But even though I was hurt, and my tears were threatening to spill. I gathered courage and strength, which I had lost from such a reaction. I stopped Lee from walking out. And all she asked me was a simple, 'why?'. I did not answer but just kissed her deeply and passionately. Even with my tears falling and making the kiss salty, I continued to kiss Lee, trying to convey what I was feeling.

That night Lee and I had a long talk after the impromptu make-out session. I asked about what was going on with her. Obviously, Lee talked in riddles, not answering my questions and trying to distract me with kisses or a simple touch. She knew what she was doing which is why after some time I took her hands hostage and she giggled. Yet, she did not tell me fully. She asked why I was making her feel that whatever she was doing was not measuring up to some imaginary standard, I have. Then she even asked if I was comparing her to someone, did not mention anyone's name. I did think it was Diane, she was talking about then, but later on I realized she meant Maize, but she never once said her name. I told her sorry if I forced her to go meet the Millers, and that it was never my intention. Lee said she felt weird, extremely awkward, like she was intruding on something she was not supposed to. But apparently after talking to Mr. and Mrs. Miller that feeling vanished. I am glad.

We also took out some of the photographs I have of Maize and I throughout the years, the ones I packed from back home but never unpacked or put on display. For the first time ever, they were put on display in my room that night. Lee asked me about each photo, and I told her as much as I remember. Then of course, one of them made me sad and I cried a little, Lee was supportive. She never once pushed me away just because we were talking about Maize. That's the moment I realized this pedestal thing. And also, how much people get affected when I do this. I mean I remember Lee being supportive and a good friend. But then after she was freaking out about everything because of the way I was behaving and making her feel, without even realizing. Lee changed and was frustrated at everything. Funny thing is it all happened during exams week. How very appropriate!