Living History

Good bye

"No!"

I sit up gasping, my heart racing. My hands are gripping the bedsheets, which are thin and yellow and unfamiliar. I can't see anything else. Just the mattress and the sheets. I look around. Nothing. Just... blackness. What's going on? What happened? Where is he? What happened?

Instantly I'm standing, walking forward. When I glance behind me, the bed and sheets are gone. Panic sizes my heart. What is this? Where am I? I reach out, my hand touching nothing, and then suddenly slamming into something-

Rhenyan's hand grabs mine, gripping it painfully tight. The moment his skin touches mine, a small room appears behind him. And around me. I'm sitting on the bed with yellow sheets again. His eyes are glowing white. His energy is unreadable - he's purposely making it so.

"Rhenyan?" My voice is hoarse. His death grip relaxes as he takes my hand in both of his. I want to cry and scream and rejoice all at once. Did he- did I- is she-

"She's alive."

At his words, my energy screams. 

No. No! I can't control it! Stop!

But it's not screaming at me to use him. It feels... sad. So violently, unbearably sad that I suddenly get the urge to vomit. 

The moment the thought enters my mind, my body leans forward and does exactly that - right into the small trash bin in my lap. I don't know how many times I actually vomited. It felt like thousands, but my throat doesn't feel that raw when I finally am able to lean back. I also noticed I wasn't actually throwing up anything solid. Rhenyan squeezes my hand.

"Is that... really you?"

What? "What... what do you mean?"

His eyes flash briefly before turning back to normal. "You've woken up 13 times, but I don't think you were actually conscious during any of those."

My vision snaps into focus, and I realize he looks tired. Extremely tired. His skin is pale. His face looks fairly sunken in, and there are light dark shades under his eyes. I gasp and reach out to him. He flinches and shields himself, his hands releasing mine so his shields can close completely. 

My heart feels like it's breaking in two. I can't stop the tears that instantly start falling down my cheeks at his reaction. What did I do? What have I done?

He presses his lips together as he looks between my eyes. He doesn't seem especially angry or sad. Is he hiding that from me? And he said Auroya is still alive, right? Does that mean... it didn't work?

He shakes his head slowly. "It worked, alright." He says, his voice low. "But she's alive."

"How?" There are so many other questions I wanted to ask before that one, but that's what came out. How? If I was controlling him... and my energy wanted her dead...

Hesitantly, he reaches out for my hand again, his shields dropping. "You're right. Your energy wanted her dead. But you didn't." He sighs, his brows furrowed as he looks down at my hand. "I felt it. I know it worked. I knew exactly when I stopped being in control of my own body. I know what your energy wanted. And I know what you wanted." He links his own fingers together and squeezes my hand firmly but not painfully this time. "And I'm positive if you'd wanted the same thing that your energy did, she'd be dead. And it would've been my fault." He finally looks up and meets my eyes. "But you didn't."

I didn't? What- what does that even mean?

"It means a lot of things, Xena. But the most important thing is that it means you had control of your energy, in a way. Even though you couldn't control it physically, you could control it's intentions. Your wants overpowered the desires of your energy. That's why Auroya is still alive."