Nothing But Thieves {Fransykes}

27: Oliver

tw drugs, addiction, mentions of abuse

~

Oliver is sitting in the bathtub, his hand wrapped tightly around an item that he wishes was as far away from him as possible. Elissa's bottle of Adderal, which she had silently pressed into his hand before climbing out the window.

He knows that she was just trying to help him out, he really does, but he isn't sure if he has the requisite self-control to keep himself from turning one-time use into a drug binge. This is truly the last thing that he needs right now, this inner battle with himself, and he definitely does not want Josh to have to deal with what this entails. He can already feel his resolve not to take any pills crumbling, the shaky foundation of his determination collapsing under the weight of the knowledge that the pills are right there, the high is right there.

"I'm gonna go double-check the traps." Oliver mumbles. It's a lie, and not even a very good one at that. Normally Josh would notice and address that lie in a heartbeat, but he currently seems too distracted by the intensity of the moment to notice that it's a lie, and Oli doesn't really know if he appreciates that or not. On the one hand, he doesn't have to have a very difficult and painful conversation with his boyfriend. On the other, there is nothing to stop him from taking the Adderal and that can go so, so wrong.

Normally, Oliver has a fair amount of self-control, or at least enough to stop him from relapsing every chance that he gets. But this, the stress of this situation, has obliterated his self-restraint. At least enough so that he can't seem to stop himself from doing what he is about to do

Oliver makes it to the living room, side-stepping the traps rigged by the group. With shaky hands, he uncaps the bottle and stares down at the pills. He pours a few in his hand and is about to pop them in his mouth when he hears the sound of someone clearing their throat. Startled, he looks up and sees Josh, looking at him with an expression somewhere between pity and disappointment, or at least that is how Oli reads it.

It burns in Oliver's stomach, the rejection that he is sure is coming and the need for a high. He loves Josh with all his heart, but love isn't always enough to stop addiction. Oli could swear that his heart is physically aching but it isn't enough, it isn't stopping him from raising the holding a few pills to his lips, looking anywhere but at Josh.

"I'm sorry." He whispers, then swallows the pills.

"Now of all times?!" Josh spits out. He is angry, Oliver realizes, and tears begin to blur his vision. "This has to happen when we could get fucking killed at any minute?"

It hurts, everything about this hurts, but the most painful part is confronting Josh's disgust. Oli can feel his lower lip start to tremble as this reaction only fuels his need for intoxication. People think that shaming and isolating someone will make them stop using drugs, when the opposite is true. People dealing with addiction need support and community, not to be ostracized.

Oliver looks down and away, shame and self-disgust flooding his mind. "I'm sorry." He murmurs again. He looks up just as Josh steps forward, and Oli flinches, trauma and muscle memory telling him that he is about to get hit. He knows, deep down, that Josh would never hit him, but he can't stop his instinctual reaction that an angry person stepping towards him is going to hurt him.

It's an old boyfriend and a shitty father's fault that Oliver has reacted in such a way, and it occurs to him in the back of his mind that he has never really gone into detail about that with Josh. But his instincts have taken over and he has already started making himself seem as small as possible, one arm up to shield his face.

Josh freezes in place when he sees Oliver's reaction, his expression turning unreadable. "It's okay." He says softly, beginning to approach slowly, one arm outstretched, as though Oli is a wounded animal who could flee at any moment. Any anger is gone from his "Can I hug you?"

Oliver can no longer stop the tears from rushing down his face. He nods and practically collapses into Josh's arms. For all that his world is upside down and his death might be imminent, being held by Josh is like stepping into a heated home on a cold day, the feeling of safety and warmth blanketing him.

"I'm sorry." Oli sniffles, not knowing what else to say.

Josh's arms tighten around him comfortingly, "I'm not angry with you." He says, stroking Oliver's hair with love and care. "I'm not upset with you."

Awful as it might sound, this has never happened before. No one has ever reacted to Oli relapsing by being supportive and understanding. It always either earned him a lecture, an angry tirade, or a slap. He can't help it- he starts to cry harder. He is so relieved at Josh's suppport, and he feels so lucky to have him in his life. The floodgates have opened and he is sobbing into Joshua's shoulder, wetting the fabric of his shirt. The caring hand stroking his hair soothes him into letting his emotions out, clutching at Josh as though he is his life-force, like he would die without him.

Josh holds him until the Adderall kicks in, bringing with it the feeling of self-assurance and euphoria that Oliver has been chasing. It is nearly at that exact moment that footsteps can be heard climbing the stairs, heavy footsteps that sound like solid boots thumping their way towards the apartment.

The two men share a look, then rush back to the bathroom and resume their awkward inhabitence of the tub. They are folded awkwardly in a mess of limbs, waiting with bated breath for the inevitable sound of the explosion. This time, Josh puts an arm around Oli until Oliver cuddles into his side. It is strange, perhaps, that they are cuddling in the midst of impending death- either for them or for a bunch of strangers (or both). Truthfully, Oliver is happy for this little bit of strangeness, this moment of affection despite everything going to hell around them and the increasingly likely possibility that they might not survive the day.

Someone is picking the lock on the front door, the sound is unmistakable.

Anxiety bubbles up in Oli's stomach, though the Adderall in his system makes it less impactful and debilitating than usual. He squeezes his boyfriend's hand, to comfort both Josh and himself as time seems to pass by in slow motion.

"I love you." Josh says, looking Oliver in the eyes.

Oli smiles slightly, "I love you too."

Then the Claymore mine explodes.

~

oh look i finally updated

sorry about not updating for so long I've been really busy with work and school

remember to create and destroy as you see fit

-Samira